


Be Kind (Rewind)

by Jacd



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Musicals - Fandom
Genre: 0 feet apart cause they’re not straight, Angst, Cuddles, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Just two bros, Like, M/M, Making Out, Medium Burn, NOT abandoned dw, Not, Parallel Universes, Recreational Drug Use, Sleeping in the same bed, Slow Burn, Slow Updates, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Treebros, Trees, c u d d l i n g, discussion of suicide, hand holding, im guessing slow burn if i know myself, know myself lol, not a slow burn, turns out i do, will update tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-02-05 22:37:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12803877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacd/pseuds/Jacd
Summary: “Holy shit!” Someone says and at the sound of the voice Evan’s eyes open fast, because he knows that voice. And it's impossible. So fucking impossible because he knows that voice and the person that voice belongs to is dead.He squints against the sun – his eyes burning slightly at the brightness of it. He vaguely registers the fact that he’s outside lying down, the grass soft against his skin, the tree branches overhead allowing for scattered shade. Evan turns his head and he can’t believe his eyes.Connor Murphy is standing next to him.Connor Murphy is walking towards him.Connor Murphy.Alive.





	1. Chapter One

 

 

“Hey, Evan!” chirps Sierra – the most unlikely person Evan thought he’d become good friends with during his time at college. She’s objectively beautiful and funny and super popular. And not just like she knew a lot of people – which she did – but also like people knew about her. But in a good way. In a ‘hey isn’t that the girl who organized the Totally Awesome Really Cool Bake Sale for The Cure’ or ‘wow isn’t that the girl who won homecoming queen last semester?’ kind way. Not in a ‘she’s awkward and embarrassing and everyone loves to make fun of her’ kind of way. This would probably be Evan’s title – if he had one. As it stands he’s pretty invisible at college, but he doesn’t mind too much. Not like he used to. He’s got Sierra and Jared and he still talks to Zoe occasionally. And his mom demands update calls every week.

But anyways basically what Evan is getting at is that Sierra’s super cool and nice and Evan doesn’t know what he did to deserve her friendship.

Evan has reasoned it down to right place – right time. Which he thinks is reasonable … they met at orientation, both new – and in Evan’s case – fucking terrified. Evan didn’t know if she could _tell_ he is on the verge of vomiting the whole three days, but, in any case, he’s glad they’re friends.

“Hey, Sierra.”

“How’d you do on the exam for Snyder’s class?” She asks as she takes the seat across from him at the small table he’s studying at (so far his ‘studying’ consisted of ignoring Jared’s overly long E-mails chronicling his crazy roommate stories and other random stuff that Jared feels necessary to write to him about – using E-mail. It’s his preferred communication. Evan has a feeling it’s probably related to their little senior year, um, _project_ involving E-mails… Just a little hunch he has from the fact that Jared starts every email with the phrase ‘DEAR EVAN HANSEN’ in all capitals. Every single time.) Evan automatically passes her the peanut M&M’s he’d been snacking on and she drops a few into her hand as she continues. “I think I did _okay,_ but you know how he grades.”

“Yeah. I, uh, I think it went alright.” Evan’s pretty sure he aced it.

Sierra laughs and tosses back an M&M. “Yeah, right, Mr. Modest. I bet you aced it.” Evan just shrugs in response, a small smile forming. “Well, I just saw Heather and she said there’s gonna be a pretty big party tonight at the Alpha Sig house. I was thinking about going… what do you think? Up for it?”

“Hmmm, Alpha Sig… isn’t that the frat that named their house ‘Menace to Sobriety’”

“One and the same!” She laughs. “I know, I know, it isn’t really your scene. And I will respect your answer, but please consider it!”

The ‘no’ is on the tip of his tongue, but something holds it back. Maybe he should go. After all he’s been in college for almost a whole year and hasn’t been to one party. Evan is pretty sure he wouldn’t like it. Pretty sure. Like, 87% sure. But maybe he’ll be surprised. Maybe he’ll like it. Okay, he’s gonna do it. Yeah, and then he can call his mom and tell her that he is a completely normal college kid doing normal college kid things and this time it’ll be true.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll go." 

Sierra’s resulting smile is blinding.

 

The party’s in full swing when they arrive. Evan’s heart picks up a bit at the size of the crowd, but his anxiety’s been fairly low lately. Lower than he ever remembers it being. So he forces his heartbeat to calm through sheer force of will. He’s not sure if it’s working. He moves forward anyways.

Evan follows Sierra through the crowd of people, her red hair flowing as she turns her head to greet everyone who calls her name. “Come on, Evan! Let’s dance!” Sierra half shouts against the pounding music. He follows her to the dance floor, barely noticing the brush of his skin against random people as he made his way to the dance floor.  

As the night goes on, Evan finds himself, well, not exactly comfortable, but having… fun. Huh. Yeah that is it. He didn’t even mind that he probably looked really stupid dancing and that his sweat is interfering with the skull makeup on face. Evan had one of those moments where he’s realized he’d have never done this a year back. He’d been having them quite a bit.

A little after three A.M, Evan stumbles through the door of his dorm, almost tripping over his passed out roommate, Ronnie, who reeks of alcohol and is fast asleep on the floor. Evan groggily turns him on his side for safe measure and carelessly tosses a blanket over him. He flops into his bed; one he could’ve sworn is noticeably softer than when he had woken up in the morning. He sighs against the pillow, eyes falling shut easily.

 

Heavy light against Evans closed eyelids wakes him up, and, as he stirs groggily, he muses that he must’ve forgotten to shut the curtains last night. But he’s done that before and it’s never been this bright. As he swims closer to full consciousness, he becomes aware of the fact that he’s sweating. What the fuck? It’s Autumn, practically winter. He shouldn’t be sweating, even if Ronnie did turn the heat way up, and Evan feels irritation at the idea that he might’ve, Evan specifically asked him not to turn –

“Holy shit!” Someone says and at the sound of the voice Evan’s eyes open fast, because he knows that voice. And it’s impossible. So fucking impossible because he knows that voice and the person that voice belongs to is dead.

He squints against the sun – his eyes burning slightly at the brightness of it. He vaguely registers the fact that he’s outside lying down, the grass soft against his skin, the tree branches overhead allowing for scattered shade. Evan turns his head and he can’t believe his eyes.

Connor Murphy is standing next to him.

Connor Murphy is walking towards him.

Connor Murphy.

Alive.

“Dude, uh, are you okay?” the voice that can’t be Connor Murphy’s says. What the fuck is happening to him. Maybe this is a dream. The most vivid dream he’s ever had in his life. Connor drops down next to him and Evan’s vaguely aware that he’s just staring blankly at him. Connor features shift nervously and he runs a hand through his hair. “Okay,” he says, drawing the word out. “Definitely not okay, then.”  Connor reaches over him and Evan follows the movement with his eyes. Then Connor’s touching his arm lightly, carefully, and suddenly Evan knows why he is on the ground. “Does this hurt?” Connor asks. His voice is soft, like he expects Evan not to answer.

“I – It’s numb. I can’t feel it.”

Connor looks relieved at the sound of his voice. “Oh good, you can speak. Listen, do you need a ride to the hospital?”

“Um, I guess. I mean, thank you, um, that’s very nice.”

“Right,” Connor says flatly, like he can’t quite understand why Evan is being so calm. He grips his arm around Evan’s shoulder and helps him sit up. Evan fights against the nausea that rises up as Connor pulls him to a standing position. He cradles his injured arm against his chest as they walk. “My car’s just parked over there. Not too far.”

“You have a car?” Evan asks.

“My mom’s car,” Conner clarifies. Evan hums a noncommittal reply, still freaked out by the fact that Connor Murphy is alive and well, and talking to him. He still isn’t completely sure that this all isn’t just some elaborate dream. When they reach the car, Connor opens the door for Evan – even though Evan still has one perfectly functional arm. Evan shoots him a slightly puzzled look as he slides into the seat. _Huh, Dream Connor is chivalrous._ Connor responds to his look with a roll of his eyes. “What?” he barks out defensively.

“Uh, um, nothing, thank you for getting the door,” Evan responds, watching Connor cross to the driver's side. He adjusts the mirrors and starts the car. It comes to life easily and he shifts into drive.

“Yeah, yeah,” Connor mumbles. He gives Evan an inquisitive look and asks, “So, what are you doing falling out of trees in the old apple orchard, anyways?”

“Jumping,” Evan says.

“Huh?”

“I didn’t fall, I jumped. And, we’re in the orchard?” Evan hadn’t broken his arm in the orchard. He definitely broke it in the park.

Connor raises his eyebrows at Evan’s admission. Evan himself didn’t really understand why he corrected him so easily. Maybe it’s because he has distanced himself from the event? He no longer feels the way he felt when he had actually jumped out of the tree. Connor has chosen to ignore his little correction. “You don’t know where you are?”

“We’re at the old apple orchard. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Connor repeats disbelievingly. “Right.” They drive the winding country road in silence for a while. Evan looks at Connor again. His hair’s just as long as Evan remembers it. He’s still dressed in all black, even in the heat of the summer. There are dark circles under his eyes. He looks exactly the same. “I can feel you staring.”

“Oh, sorry,” Evan turns his gaze back to the windshield.

“It’s fine. And you never answered my question.”

“About what I was doing jumping out of trees? I think you can guess.”

Connor sends him a sharp look. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks defensively.

Evan sighs as he breaks eye contact and lays his head against the window. His arm is starting to throb. “Nothing.” He closes his eyes for a moment. Then, in a slightly confident tone that he knows he would've never used back when he had really broken his arm.  “I know you understand what I mean.”

There is a brief silence before Connor responds, like he is debating with himself whether or not to answer. “You’re right.” It comes out as a whisper, but Evan hears it clearly. He hadn’t needed to hear it at all. He already knew the answer.

Evan gets a rush of nausea as they go around another bend in the road and it doesn’t help the headache that has been slowly forming. “Are we almost there?” Evan asks.

“Almost.”

 

Connor finds a spot to park the car and helps Evan out. The emergency room is fairly empty and the wait isn’t long. The receptionist asks him if there is somebody they can call for him and he tells her his mom’s number. She informs him that she’ll let her know the situation. Evan vaguely wonders where his phone is, as it’s not in his pocket. Evan spends most of the wait time counting his fingers and Connor's fingers and the fingers of the little girl sitting across from him and her mother. He remembers reading something about lucid dreams, where sometimes the number of fingers you have is not correct and that’s how you can tell you’re in a dream and then wake up. Unfortunately, everyone has the correct amount of appendages, which means this is all really happening, and he has somehow been transported to the summer before senior year.

Although, some things aren’t quite the same. Apparently, he jumped in the orchard instead of the park and … Conner found him. He glances at Connor, but only for a moment before he hears his name called. “Evan Hansen?” she asks again. He gives her a nod and she smiles in reply. “The doctor will see you now.” Evan stands, but hesitates. The woman seems to catch on and gives him another warm smile. “Your friend can come along, too.”

Evan looks down at Connor, who meets his gaze with a shrug and stands up. Connor makes an overdrawn ‘you first’ type gesture and Evan hides his grin. He realizes that he's enjoying this. It’s weird. The first time he did this, it was awful. He was alone, scared, embarrassed, disappointed in himself, and in pain. This time he’s just in pain. It seems Connor’s presence has made a big difference.

Evan tries not to think about it too much.


	2. Chapter Two

 

Evan wakes up the next morning and promptly freaks the fuck out. His breath comes in quick in and out pants, and he feels the sudden urge to empty his stomach. He tumbles out of bed, dizzy, and his ankles catch in his blankets causing him to fall face first to the floor. He moans and rolls onto his back. The last lone glow in the dark star from the set he put up when he was 10 stares down at him. How can things be so similar here? That’s the same star he put up, the same star in the same spot.

Maybe he is going crazy.

He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and tries to get his breathing under control before it turns into a full-fledged panic attack.  He succeeds – somewhat. He thinks he hears his mom moving about in the living room, most likely getting ready for work.

“Okay, Evan, just calm down,” he tells himself quietly. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t help. “Oh, god,” Evan groans, running over yesterday’s events in his head. “Did I seriously tell Connor Murphy that I attempted suicide yesterday?”

“You did what yesterday?” his mom exclaims.

“Mom!” Evan scrambles to his feet to face his mom. She’s standing in the doorway, keys in her hand and bag over her shoulder as if she was just going to check on him before she left for work. She’s frozen at his words, though, and her face is like a shattered mirror and Evan’s chest hurts. This is almost as bad as the last time he told her. “Mom, I –”

She breaks out of her frozen silence at once, tears running down her cheeks. “Oh, baby,” she rushes to give him a hug, tight, and she runs her hands across his back like she reassuring herself that he’s still there. “I had no idea. I didn’t know. You can talk to me; you know that right? I’m your mom, I’ll always love you, honey, I’m always here for you,” as she says this she pulls away to look him in the eyes.

“Yeah, mom, of course, of course I know that,” Evan says and his voice is rough like he’s been crying. His mom swipes a finger under his eyes and they come back wet. Oh. His breath hitches.

“I knew you were unhappy, honey, but I – I didn’t think. Oh, Evan, I’m so sorry,” she continues. She’s shaking her head back and forth and biting down on her bottom lip like she’s trying to hold in a sob.

Evan wasn’t even the one that chose to jump yesterday; he just woke up on the ground after. Yet, he feels responsible for this Evan’s actions. After all, he _had_ jumped before, just not here. He knows he isn’t in the same place mentally as he was when he decided to jump. He _knows_ this. It’s just, seeing his mom like this again brings him back to when he had jumped. He pulls her in for another hug. “Mom, it’s okay, really, I’m here. I won’t do it again. I’m so sorry.”

“I couldn’t bear to lose you,” she says.

He hugs her tighter.

 

His mom sends him to therapy, just like she did before. He starts meeting with his new therapist the week after he breaks his arm.

This therapist is different from the last one he had. Her name is Dr. Andala. She’s an older woman, with too large glasses and an uncanny ability to pull tissue boxes out of the most unassuming places. Evan hasn’t ever needed a tissue speaking with her, but he finds that he is charmed anyway.

Visits to his old therapist were very much like pulling teeth, at least that’s how it was in the beginning. Eventually, Evan saw the value in it and started to take it more seriously. He hadn’t even needed to see a therapist while he was at college. His mom’s favorite phrase to spew was, ‘ _it’s progress, honey!’_ He could admit to himself that he had made progress. He’s in a completely different headspace than he was when he decided to jump, and an arguably better headspace than he had all of senior year. He supposes that he could’ve convinced his mom that it was all a misunderstanding and he had really just fallen out of the tree, but that didn’t seem right to him. After all, this isn’t his time. Evan’s still confused about the whole thing, but events are unfolding differently than they had before. This may be some parallel universe where some other version of him (one that isn’t so different from his actual self) resides. Maybe it’s just a glitch and he’ll be back in his own time and place and the Evan that belongs here will be back. If there’s any chance of that happening, Evan wants to make sure his other self gets the help he needs. Besides, he’s pretty sure his mom would’ve seen right through him.

Evan feels like he’s on the verge of a freak out 24/7. Which isn’t necessarily a _new_ concept to him, it’s just that he thought he moved past his constant anxiety. Turns out dimension hopping really regresses a guy’s mental health. Who knew?

Everything is so familiar to him here, though, and hindsight is so powerful. He has a vague idea of what’s going to happen and every moment has a sense of deja vu overlain on it. He doesn’t know why he was sent here, and he sure as hell doesn’t know how to get back, but he does know that he’s got the potential to prevent a lot of people from getting hurt. He has a chance to change things. He was given this chance for some reason. To fix it so nobody gets hurt. He has a chance to really help Connor. This Connor, who is strangely kind, which is different than he remembers, but maybe Connor would’ve always treated him nicely had he not seen the letter Evan wrote to himself. He _was_ the only one to sign Evan’s old cast. Evan looks down at his new cast with the name ‘CONNOR’ sprawled across in the exact same way. He smiles faintly at it.

“Evan?” asks his therapist. Dr. Andala pushes her glasses up her nose and looks expectantly at him. The tissues sit at the ready on the coffee table between them. Evan gives the box a brief glare before he tunes back into their conversation.  

He can’t seem to remember her question. “Oh, um, I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked how you’ve been sleeping, but it seems that you’ve boarded a completely different train of thought. Would you like to share?”

“Oh, well, I’m sleeping fine. The normal amount.” Evan pauses, but continues after a moment.  “Actually, I was thinking about a friend of mine.”

“What is it about your friend that has them on your mind?”

“He’s a lot like me. He… he feels the same way that I did, that I do, and I’ve been feeling like maybe I can help him. I feel like maybe it’s important that I help him. I know it is.”

“Why do you feel it is your obligation to help him?” she questions.

“It’s not an obligation,” he says sharply. He surprises himself at the outburst and averts his eyes.

“I see,” she says. “You feel very strongly about this.”

He glances back at her, her face the picture of calm. “I – yes. I do. I don’t want him to end up, I want, I just think –” he cuts himself off with a frustrated sigh. She gives him time to gather his thoughts. “I feel like I could really help him. I know he needs it. It could be my purpose.” _The reason I woke up here,_ he tacks on mentally.

“Finding purpose in a single person can be dangerous.”

“I’m not making him into my reason to live.” Evan grits out. “I already know that I don’t want to die.” Her brown eyes display only understanding, though, and he knows that she only wants to help him. “Sorry. I just, I want to know how I can help him. How can I?” he asks sheepishly.

“I cannot tell you what you should do in this situation. I understand that you feel strongly about helping your friend and I find your intentions admirable. You mentioned that the way he feels is similar to how you previously felt. I suggest you try to understand your own motives and the way to help your friend may become clear. What has helped you in your healing process?”

Evans eyebrows pull together in thought. “Therapy, getting involved in something,” he thinks briefly of The Connor Project and how much that had helped him, in a twisted kind of way “and having people that I could confide in. Friends.”

She tilts her head, and Evan thinks he can see a hint of confusion before it is whisked back into a neutral expression. “What are you involved in now?”

Oh, shit. This Evan isn’t involved in anything, just like he hadn’t been involved in anything when he jumped out of his tree. Right. Evan wonders if he should be trying harder to seem like he actually just tried to commit suicide. He dismisses the thought. It’s too late now. His mind races to come up with something. “Uh, bullying!” he says, and now Dr. Andala definitely looks confused. “I mean, not bullying, my friends, we are making this, um, website about bullying – and how it’s bad. It is anti-bullying. It’ll be a place where people can share their stories and know that, that they’re not alone.”

Dr. Andala’s expression is soft now. “That is an ambitious and commendable project. I hope everything goes well for you.”

“Thank you. I do, too,” Evan says and he finds that he means it, even if the project doesn’t exist. 

Dr. Andala glances at her watch and says, “It seems as though our hour is up. As for your homework, I’d like you make a list of five things that make you happy over the course of the next week.”

“I’m not unhappy,” Evan argues lightly.

“Even so, it can be beneficial for one to recognize specific instances of happiness in daily life,” She stands and Evan follows suit. “I hope you have a wonderful week, Mr. Hansen, and I will see you next Monday.”

“See you then,” Evan replies.

He walks to the bus stop and thinks while he waits for the bus. He should talk to Connor. So, he doesn’t have his number, but whatever. Maybe Evan will just show up at the Murphy’s house. It’ll only be weird if he makes it weird. He can just say that he wants to thank Connor again for taking him to the hospital. Most likely, no one will even wonder how he got their address. They’re not going to think he’s some kind of crazy stalker. It’ll be fine.

 

The next day finds Evan standing on the Murphy’s front porch, hand raised to knock on the door. The door swings open before he can, though, and reveals a disheveled looking Connor wearing a black hoodie and sweats and a skeptical expression.

“You’re not some kind of crazy stalker, are you?” Is the first thing that comes out of Connor’s mouth.

“What? No!” Evan exclaims, eyes wide. “I’m not stalking you. I found your address in the yellow pages, I just wanted to talk to you, I feel like I should say thank you for what you did for me. You know, in the orchard, and, like, driving me to get my arm fixed. I promise I’m not trying to –”

“Calm down, Bambi. I’m only messing with you, but, uh,” Connor glances to his feet briefly and Evan does too and notices Connor’s socks. Black. Evan’s starting to wonder if this Connor owns anything that isn’t black.  “You really don’t have to thank me.”

“Okay, then I won’t. But, maybe, we can, if you’re not busy today. Well, I’m never really doing anything. Not that I’m, like, a loser with no life or anything, but, just, just if you wanted to hang out then that would be, um, cool.”

Connor seems to follow Evan’s long winded explanation well enough. “You want to hang out with me?”

“Um, yes, yeah, I do. Please. If you want to.”

 “Why?” Connor asks, still skeptical.

“Why not?” Evan replies.

Connors opens his mouth like he has something to say to that, but he doesn’t. He just looks Evan up and down like he’s wondering if Evan might be out of his mind after all. Then something in his expression relents and he opens the door wider. “Come on in, then,” he says.

The Murphy’s house looks the same as he remembers it. Same photos on the wall, same coat rack, same couches, same dining table. Same, same, same.  _Stop freaking out, Evan._

Connor leads him to the kitchen and grabs a soda from the fridge. “Want one?” he asks. Evan nods his head and Connor tosses him a can. Evan miraculously manages to catch it. They both pop the tops and take a few drinks. Connor leans his hips against the counter and regards Evan silently. Evan pulls out a bar stool and winces at the sound it makes as the legs scrape against the floor. Oh, god, it wasn’t supposed to be this awkward.

What did Evan really expect though? He doesn’t _really_ know Connor. He hadn’t got the chance. Evan fidgets in his seat.  The stool wobbles and Evan catches his balance before he falls, but a little soda splashes out of the can onto his hand. He debates on what to do. He’s definitely not wiping it on his shirt, and he’s not sure if Connor would even care, but he’s not gonna flick it all on to ground. But the paper towel holder is empty, and even though Evan knows where they keep their supply he’s not supposed to have that knowledge and he just can’t reach into their cabinets. What is he even doing? _Just ask_.

“Hey, uh, do you have any paper towels?”

“We’re actually all out, but here you can use this,” he throws a clean dishtowel at him.

“Thanks,” Evan says and wipes off his hand. 

“So,” Connor says, drawing it out. Evan’s not sure how to respond so he just stays silent. “What do you want to do?”

“Hang out?”

Connor rolls his eyes, but his lips are tilted up in an almost smile. “Obviously, Bambi. I meant, what did you want to do while we hang out? Video games? Watch some movies? Smoke some pot?”

Evan’s eyes get wide at the last part. Despite attending college, he’s never actually smoked pot. He doesn’t think he wants to right now. He can’t chance ruining things with Connor by saying something weird like ‘hey I’m from another universe where you killed yourself, can you not do that this time?’ yeah, that probably wouldn’t be good. “Uh,” he says. “Video games?”

“You got it.” Connor leads him to his bedroom, and Evan attempts at acting natural. Although, he thinks he might be fake looking around too much. Well, he really is looking around, but he’s already seen it before so he’s trying to look like he’s taking it all in for the first time. Of which doesn’t even need to do, since Connor isn’t even watching him. God, what is wrong with him.

Connor opens the door to his room and Evan resists the urge to burst out laughing. So, another difference, then. The walls of Connor’s room are painted black. This can’t be real. To make matters even more ridiculous, the comforter on Connor’s bed is light pink with blue butterflies. Connor catches him looking at it and mutters, “It’s my sister’s. I accidentally spilt baked potato soup on mine.” Evan can’t help it. A laugh escapes him in a loud burst. “What?” Connor asks. His tone is almost defensive.

“Nothing, nothing, really, I just like your room. And the blanket’s a nice addition.”

“Don’t act like you’ve never spilt baked potato soup all over yourself while watching the Conjuring, we’ve all done it at least once.”

“Can’t say that I have,” Evan laughs. Connor breaks a grin at that and Evan’s laugh dies down. Wow. He looks good when he’s smiling. He looks young, and… free. And Evan is definitely staring. He averts his eyes to the walls of the room again. “How’d you convince your parents to let you paint the walls black?”

“Oh, I just spray painted a bunch of curse words on the walls and when they told me to paint over it they didn’t specify a color,” Connor shrugs. “They weren’t too happy, but it was better than the spray paint. Or that’s what they told me.”

“Oh, um, cool.”

“Yep,” Connor says. “Anyway, you wanna play or what?” He pulls out some games. Evan almost forgot what it felt like to be constantly reminded that the Murphy’s are wealthy. Connor pulls out games for three different consoles. “I’ve got Melee on GameCube – always a classic, uh, let’s see, Madden on XBOX, Oh, hold on, I just got the new Call of Duty release, let me find it.” Evan’s not exactly sure why he chose to play video games seeing as he never plays them, like ever, and he no doubt sucks at them.  Connor emerges with the game in his hand and a gleam of success in his eye, like he just fought someone off for the rights to that game instead of searching through his (objectively large) stack of games and pulling it out. “Still down?” he asks.

“Yeah, totally down,” Evan answers. “It’s just, um, I’ve never actually played any of the Call of Duty games before.”

“It’s no big deal, I’ll teach you how it goes,” Connor says easily as he puts the disk in and starts the game.

For some reason, Evan thought Connor would be a bad teacher. But he’s not. He doesn’t even get frustrated when Evan doesn’t pick up the game right away. Eventually, he gets the hang of it, but he knows he’s terrible.

When Evan dies approximately one second into a new game, for the second time, Connor laughs and says, “Man, you really weren’t kidding.” A small involuntary flush of embarrassment travels across Evans cheeks. “Don’t worry about it,” Connors says as he slaps a hand gently across Evan’s shoulders. “We’ll make a pro of you soon enough.”

Evan ignores the weird heat from Connors hand as it trails across his shoulders.

“Hey, numbnuts, did Mom tell you –” a new voice says from the doorway, she stops when she catches sight of Evan.

“Hey, Zoe,” He says.

There’s a beat of uncomfortable silence after and Evan looks around. Zoe looks like she’s trying to remember who the fuck Evan is. Probably because she might not even know who the fuck Evan is here. Shit.

“Um, hey…?” she says.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“You know my sister?”

“Oh, um, yeah totally,” Evan says, trying not to freak out. He looks at Zoe. “We were in the same homeroom last year.”

“We were?”

“Yep!” Evan says. He doesn’t actually know if they were.

“Okay, well,” Zoe says and turns her attention to her brother. Evan breathes a small sigh of relief. “Mom said she’s picking up pizza for dinner and asked what you want.”

“Did somebody die?” Connor asks.

“No.”

“Did I forget a birthday again?”

“No, Connor.”

“Well then, Evan, you must be some kind of good luck charm,” Connor says turning to him. “My mom hasn’t let us eat food that actually tastes good for dinner in like a year.”

“Yeah, I think she started a new thing this morning. I think it’s like yoga, but with goats. So, lucky for our taste buds, fast food is allowed again.”

“Yoga … with goats?” Evan questions.

“Yeah, I don’t even know. I’m not even sure our mom can do regular yoga,” Zoe says.

“Okay, well, tell Mom I want pineapple and then leave us alone,” Connor says.

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Should I tell her to get extra?”

Connor looks at Evan with a raised eyebrow. Evan catches on. “Oh, um,” Evan starts, “I would, but it’s Tuesday.” Both Connor and Zoe look at him like they’re waiting for him to elaborate. So, he does. “My mom has this thing on Tuesdays. Well, some Tuesdays. Today being one of the chosen Tuesdays. We do this, um, Taco Tuesday, like for dinner, so I can’t today, or I totally would!”

“Calm down, it’s not a big deal,” Connor says. He looks at his sister who is still in the doorway. “Bye, now,” he says harshly.

She flips him off and walks away.

“So you guys don’t get along?” Evan asks.

Connor just gives him a look and doesn’t answer the question. Okay, maybe that’s a topic he’ll need to work up to. “When do you need to be home?”

“My mom gets home at seven.”

Connor shoves the controller back into his hand. “Perfect, time for one more game.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyoooo thanks for reading. I've never had this much fun writing a fic before haha it practically writes itself. Leave me a comment if you feel so inclined :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check the end notes for warnings (discussion of suicide).

Connor walks him to the front door when it gets time for him to leave and, as he opens it, the car that Connor used to take him to the hospital pulls into the drive way. Connor clenches his teeth and mutters “great” under his breath in a way that makes Evan think that the situation isn’t at all great for him.

“Connor, come help us bring the pizzas in!” Connor's mom calls. Evan can see Connor’s dad open the back of the car to presumably to get some other stuff.  

“I’m doing something, Mom!” Connor yells back. His mom seems to finally notice Evan standing next to Connor. She pulls her purse of the car, shuts the door, and makes her way over to them.

She breaks into a wide smile when she nears. “Oh, sweetie, you didn’t say you had a _friend_ over.”

“You just got here, it’s not like I had –”

“Oh, that is just _wonderful_. Connor has a friend!”

“What’s that, honey?” calls Connor’s dad from the car.

“Connor has a friend over!” Connor’s mom replies loudly.

Connor clenches his fist and groans. Evan notices a small flush appearing on his cheeks.

“Mom,” he groans.

His mom ignores him. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new friend, Connor?”

“Mom this is Evan, Evan this is my mom.” Connor mumbles.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says awkwardly.

“It’s so nice to meet you, too, and please call me Cynthia –”

“Well, anyway, Evan was just leaving, so,” Connor interrupts.

“Oh no, you won’t stay for dinner?” she asks, sparing a reprimanding glance to Connor.

“Oh, um, sorry Mrs. Murphy – Cynthia, I promised my mom I’d be home for dinner.”

“Next time, then! Oh, you aren’t walking all the way home, are you?” she asks.

Evan was planning to. “It’s really no problem,” he says.

“Oh, that won’t do. It’ll be getting dark, soon. Connor can take you home.” She digs around in her purse for the keys. “Just bring in the pizzas first,” she tells Connor and drops the keys into his hand. She pats Evan on the shoulder and says “Feel free to come see Connor again, you seem like a nice boy.” Then she leaves them on the front steps and goes inside.

Connor coughs awkwardly. “Sorry about that,” he says quietly.

“It’s really not a problem,” Evan says. “Your mom seems nice.”

Connor just hums lightly in reply as they walk to the car.

Connors dad meets them halfway. “You must be Connor’s new friend,” he says moving to reach out for a hand shake.  

Connor groans. “Yes, Dad, this is Evan. My only friend, the only person who voluntarily chose to be in my presence, I get it. Sorry we can’t chat, Evan’s got to get home now. Bye.” He grabs Evan around the bicep and Evan gives an apologetic expression as Connor forcefully pulls him to the car and shoves him into the passenger seat.  

Connor pulls out of the driveway before Evan even gets the chance to buckle his seatbelt. Evan spares Connor a glance as he clicks the seat belt into place. Connor’s got a tight grip on the wheel, knuckles white. It isn’t until they’re at least two blocks away that the tension in his body slowly releases. Evan decides not to comment on it.

The ride goes smoothly with Evan giving quiet directions to Connor. When they pull up to Evan’s house, Connor puts the car into park and there’s a moment of awkward silence where neither one of them say anything.

Evan’s the first to break the silence. He clears his throat and then says “well, um, thanks for the ride.”

Connor just nods in reply. Evan reaches for the door handle, but, before he can get the door open, Connor says “hey, we should, like, exchange numbers.”

Evan turns back in his seat to look at him and thinks that Connor looks … surprisingly vulnerable. Like he thinks Evan might tell him to get lost or something. Evan clears his throat again. “Um, yeah, totally, that way we can, like, make plans to hang out and stuff,” Evan says, then he remembers that he doesn’t actually have a phone. It wasn’t in his pocket when he woke up and it wasn’t in his house. He checked when he got back. “Only…” he starts and Connor looks nervous. “Well, I lost my phone.”

“You lost it?”

“Yeah, I think, um, in the orchard?” It’s the only place it could be. “When, well, you know.”

“Oh,” Connor says. “You haven’t gone back to get it?”

“I would’ve, but I don’t have a car and the bus doesn’t go that far out of town.”

“How did you get out there to begin with, then?”

Huh. Evan didn’t actually know. “I-It doesn’t matter. The point is –”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. So, how about we go?”

“Go where?”

“Back to the orchard, dumbass,” Connor says, but it’s not harsh. “We could go tomorrow. Mom’s home all day, I can get her to let me take the car. I’ll help you look.”

To be honest, Evan is not confident they’ll actually find anything, but he finds himself nodding with a small smile. “Oh, okay, yeah, that would be –”

“Cool,” Connor finishes for him. “Yeah, I agree. So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning? Say ten-ish?”

“Yeah, okay,” Evan agrees.

“See you then, I guess,” Connor says.

Evan reaches for the door handle again, but stops when something occurs to him. “The pizzas!” he says. He looks back into the back seat where the pizza boxes sit lonely and cold. “We forgot to bring them in.”

“Relax,” Connor says. “Pizza tastes better cold, anyway.”

“That’s only relevant for the leftover pizza that you put in the fridge. Everyone knows you have to eat some while it’s hot first.” Evan laughs.

“You don’t judge a man for how he eats his pizza,” Connor says solemnly.

“Whatever you say, Mr. Cold Pineapple Pizza…”

Connor gasps fake outrage with a hand against his chest. “Betrayed,” he mutters quietly, shaking his head. “And here I thought we were really building a connection.”

Evan can see the grin that Connor’s trying to hide. “Yeah, some things are just deal breakers.”

Connor gives in and laughs. Evan thinks he may never get tired of hearing it. “Whatever, Hansen, get out of my car,” he says and shoves Evan lightly on the shoulder.

“I’ll gladly get out of _your mom’s_ car, all you had to do was ask,” Evan says and gets out, but doesn’t shut the door yet.

Connor just shakes his head and says “see you tomorrow?”

“Ten – ish” Evan confirms and shuts the door.

Connor doesn’t leave until Evan gets inside. Evan shuts his door and takes off his shoes and notices that he’s still smiling. He traces his fingers on his upturned lips. Is this really how it could’ve been? If he had just noticed that Connor was going through the same things that he was, back in his – universe, or whatever. It just feels so … easy, to be friends with him.  Evan’s never really had this easy comradery with anyone, well, maybe Jared, but that took ages, and this, in comparison, was practically instant.

Evan crosses the living room, but notices the little red light on the answering machine indicating a voicemail.  He has a sinking feeling he knows what’s on it. He presses the button and sure enough his mom’s voice filters through the little speaker.

“Hey, honey, listen, I’m so sorry but I just can’t get away tonight. I’m so sorry, sweetie, I promise that we will catch up soon. I left some money for pizza, I know you don’t like to talk on the phone, but they’ve got online ordering now so you don’t even have to talk to anyone. I love you, sweetie.” There are some voices in the background and Evan thinks he can hear his mom’s name being called. “Okay, I have to go. I really am sorry, Evan. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I Love you.”

Evan fights the sigh of disappointment he wants to release. His mom is trying. He knows she is. He just thought that this time… Well, it doesn’t matter. Evan knows that his mom loves him and he doesn’t know for sure, but he’d wager that his dad is still a deadbeat in this universe. Evan supposes that his dad isn’t a complete Deadbeat Dad. He does have a whole other family that he’s presumably a good father and husband to. It was just him and his mom that he was shitty to. Anyway, his dad is a deadbeat to him and his mom’s still killing herself to provide for them. For him.

Evan leaves the twenty on the counter and pours himself a bowl of cereal instead.    

 

Late morning light illuminates the living room as Evan paces the floor. He checks the time, again. 10:42. He tells himself not to freak out prematurely. Connor did say 10 – _ish,_ emphasis on the ish _. Don’t get weird about this._ He paces back and forth once more then throws himself onto the couch in a flurry of anxious limbs. He checks the time, again. 10:43. Evan groans and turns the T.V. on as a way of distraction. He’s not paying attention, but the sound of the random talk show he lands on is weirdly comforting. He lays his head against the back of the couch, closes his eyes, and lets out a long breath.

Just as he’s managed to drain most of the tension out of his body he hears a horn sound outside. He glances at the clock on his way out the door – eleven o’clock on the dot.

Connor apologizes when Evan sits down in the passenger seat. “Sorry, turns out convincing my parents to let me borrow the car for more than the time it takes to take you home was harder than I thought it would be.”

“It’s fine, I, uh, I didn’t even notice you were late,” Evan replies, then when he thinks about it he says “Wait, they let you use the car when you went out to the orchard by yourself, but not now?”

“Well, when I had the car that day I sort of … borrowed it.”

“Yeah, exactly, so how come –”

“Without permission,” Connor clarifies.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Connor says. “That’s probably the reason it took the amount of convincing that it did. And even then, they wouldn’t let me until I said I was taking you.”

“Me?” Evan questions as he casts a glance Connor’s way.

“Apparently you’re, like, a good influence, or something. Which, I don’t even see how they think that since they barely know you,” Connor shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know, five minutes talking to you and they already wish you were their son instead of me.” Connor breathes out a harsh laugh that sounds like he’s trying to commit to the joke but feels like there’s too much truth to it.

Evan looks out the window, decidedly trying not to think about the times he has spent getting to know the Murphy family back in his universe. It’s not working very well. He feels weirdly guilty about it. He knows that the Murphy’s here can’t possibly view Evan as a son. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy don’t even know him. But he can tell that Connor’s insecure about it, that he thinks that his parents don’t care about him, that he probably thinks they view him as replaceable. Evan knows Connor’s parents love him – they just don’t understand him.

 

The sun is high in the sky by the time they get to the orchard. Connor parks and they get out at the same time. It’s quiet; the only sound is the closing of their respective doors.

“So, where do you think it is?” Connor asks him as they walk.

“Not sure,” Evan says. “If it’s still here it’ll probably be by the tree where, uh, you know.”

“Okay,” Connor says and changes direction slightly. Evan subtly follows his lead.

Evan hadn’t really had a good look around when he’d woken up, the pain and disorientation made it a bit difficult to admire his surroundings. He takes a minute to admire now. It really is nice here, in a peaceful sort of way. The air is warm and there’s a gentle cool breeze that reminds him of autumn. It’s perfect summer weather. Evan’s favorite. The trees are unkempt, but still beautiful. They’re in full bloom, too.

Connor veers from his path to pluck two apples from a low hanging branch. He walks back to where Evan is waiting and tosses one to him. Evan fumbles with it before getting a good hold. Connor’s got his own apple held in front of his lips, but Evan thinks he might be smiling. He wonders if the Connor from his universe smiled this much.

Connor bites into the apple. The juice runs down from the corner of his mouth and Evan watches it, weirdly captivated. He steps forward, eyes on that trail of juice, and reaches a hand up to cup Connor’s jaw. His thumb swipes across the juice, slightly sticky, and wipes it away.

It’s only after the trail of juice is gone that Evan realizes what he just did. His eyes flick from Connor’s mouth to his eyes. Connor’s eyes are wide, and he steps back when Evan looks into them.

“Um, oh my god, I don’t know why I just did that. That was really weird –”

“Weird?”

“Yeah, and like that was totally me imposing on your, like, personal space, and I don’t know why I just did that. Oh my god. I just like, well, the juice was, and I just, oh my god.” Evan is babbling, and Connor’s got a flat expression on his face. Well at least he doesn’t look mad. Evan is such an idiot. Why did he do that?

Connor doesn’t say anything and they both stand there staring at each other for what feels like an eternity. Evan wrings his hands. Then Connor clears his throat and opens his mouth, but closes it again. Evan bites his lip and Connor’s eyes follow the nervous motion.

Connor turns abruptly, following the old worn path again. He turns back to Evan, who’s still rooted at the spot. "Come on, I think your tree’s up ahead.”

Evan breathes out and stumbles to follow, biting into his own apple.

They stop in front of a tree. It’s tall with high branches, but it’s got some low hanging ones, as well; easy to climb. Just like what he had chosen. He’s caught with an emotion he can’t name.  Evan watches the wind rustle through the leaves and lifts a hand to press against the bark of the trunk. The bark is slightly warm and rough to the touch. He’s brought back to the first time he was back at work after he’d broken his arm. He had pressed his hand against the tree in the same way. That tree had been his witness, and this tree had been the other Evan’s.  He takes a shaky breath and steps back. He turns to Connor and finds that his eyes are on Evan.

Evan turns away and tries to shake himself out of this weird feeling. He looks around the tree, searching the grass with his eyes. “I don’t see it,” he says.

Connor starts to look around at his words. “I don’t see it, either.” He walks around the trunk of the tree and then says “oh, wait, I think I found it.” He rounds the tree with the phone in his hands. Evan takes it from him. The screen is cracked badly and Evan can’t tell if the phone is just dead or broken. He’ll have to wait until he charges it to see.

“Thanks,” Evan says and Connor shrugs it off.

“So – ”

“Um,  should we –”

They both stop. Evan waves for Connor to go first.

Connor rubs the back of his neck and says “I was just thinking… well, I used to come here a lot with my family when I was younger. I could give you a tour, if you want?”

“Yeah,” Evan replies softly. “That’d be nice.”

They finish their apples as they wander through the orchard together and Connor tells Evan little stories about when he would come here in the past with his family. After a while, they stop in front of a large tree, it looks similar to the one Evan woke up under – only taller and older. Connor points to it and says, “Me and my sister used to climb this tree all the time when we were younger.” He’s got a small wistful smile and he reaches out to touch the bark. He turns to look at Evan and asks, “Want to climb it?”

“Uh,” Evan replies and looks down at his cast.

“Don’t worry,” Connor reassures, “I’ll help you.”

Evan isn’t sure about it, but Connor has this glint in his eye and a hint of a smile and that’s enough to convince him. “Okay,” he says, nodding.

“I’ll go first,” Connor says and reaches for the lowest branch. He pulls himself into a straddling position onto it and reaches out to Evan. “Come on, grab my hand.”

Evan takes a few steps towards the outstretched hand and grasps it. It’s warm and surprisingly dry considering the heat. First they grip hands, but it’s hard for Evan to be pulled up that way, so after the second failed attempt he slides his hand out of Connor’s and up to his forearm. He wraps his fingers around Connor tightly. “Like this,” Evan says and Connor nods and grabs Evan’s forearm the same way. Evan tries again. His feet scramble against the bark, but Connor’s grip is sure and, once Evan gets close enough, he grabs Evan under his other arm and pulls him the rest of the way. Evan mimics Connor’s position and they face each other, panting with exertion.

Connor laughs and says, “Okay, so maybe this wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be.”

“Really?” Evan says. “Who knew that climbing up a tree one handed was hard? I guess we shouldn’t talk about climbing down either.”

“Shut up,” Connor says and shoves at his shoulder, his other hand on Evan’s arm keeping him steady. They both laugh again. Evan tries to not hyper focus on Connor’s hand, where it is still tightly gripped around his forearm. He fails. Connor looks up toward the branches above their heads, his hand slackens it grip, then he looks back down at Evan and says, “I guess we should stop here.” He finally seems to notice that he’s still touching Evan, and pulls his hand back. Evan’s arm feels cold.

There’s an awkward sort of silence after that, one that Evan is desperate to break. “Technically,” Evan starts, and Connor waits for him to continue, “We did climb this tree.”

Connor laughs, but shakes his head. “I think if we were to get technical about it, we actually climbed a branch –”

“A branch which is also a part of this tree –”

“And I would say that _I_ did the climbing.”

“Hey,” Evan protests and this time he shoves at Connor, who hits the trunk of the tree lightly and leans back against it. “You were the one –”

“Yeah, yeah, Bambi, I know.”

“Why do you call me that?” Evan asks and if he thought the last silence was awkward, it had nothing on this one.

“I don’t know,” he says softly. “You’ve got this whole wide eyed innocence look –”

“What?” Evan laughs. “I do not.”

“You do,” Connor says. “You should’ve seen your face when I mentioned smoking weed. I bet you’ve never done one illegal thing in your entire life.”

“Oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to be trying to do illegal things. Really, I thought it was the opposite.”

“Oh, you know what I meant, Hansen.”

“Not sure that I do, what did you mean?”

“Just that you seem the type to follow the rules, that’s all.”

Evan isn’t sure if he should be offended or not. “I don’t always follow the rules.”

“Oh yeah, when’s the last time you did something that someone didn’t want you to.”

The first thing that should’ve came to mind was the history homework he copied from Sierra, that was really the last time _he_ did something like that, but that wasn’t what came to his mind. He thought about last summer when decided to jump. It was last summer for him, but just one week ago for the Evan from here. To be honest, he’s probably thought more about that decision in the past week than he has all semester. He looks down at the cast, traces the letters of Connor’s name with his eyes and ignores the swell of emotion climbing within him. It’s ridiculous, Evan tells himself, he shouldn’t still be upset. He’s supposed to be over this.

“Oh,” Connor says quietly. “Evan, I, I didn’t mean –”

“Um, it’s fine,” Evan says and he wipes frustrated hands against his cheeks. He shouldn’t be crying. Why is he crying about this?

They sit in silence together. The breeze rustles through the tree leaves; it feels nice against his warmed skin. Connor breaks the silence with a tentative question, “How was it?”

Evan shoots him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, how did it feel?”

“How did what feel?”

“When you… um, like, last week, when you…”

“Oh,” Evan says, comprehension dawning. He thinks back. “I was in a bad place. I felt, just, _so alone_. Like everyone I knew, everyone I didn’t know, just, would be better if I wasn’t there. And when I jumped, when I was on the ground and my arm was numb, it was like gravity came back to me. I felt… stupid, and weirdly… disappointed in myself, like I couldn’t even do this one thing right, but now I think, I mean, I _know_ that I’m meant be alive. I know there are people who love me and I’m not a burden and sometimes I’ll make mistakes, but I’m not broken and _I’m_ not a mistake.”

Connor looks him over, brow furrowed. “You sound better, actually, you sound fine.”

Evan feels hurt at the insinuation in Connor’s tone. “I’m not lying. Why would I lie about something like that?”

“People do all kinds of things that they can’t explain.”

“You really think I would –,” Evan starts and Connor averts his eyes. “You know, you seem fine, too, on the surface, if I didn’t know you –”

“You _don’t_ know me. We hung out one time.”

“Technically, twice. Three times if you count when we met.”

“Ugh, what _ever_ , Hansen. My point still stands. We barely know each other and you act like you know how I feel.”

“Was I wrong, though?” There’s a silence and Connor looks down at the branch between his legs. He furrows his brow again and starts to scrape the pads of his fingers across the bark roughly. Evan winces internally and reaches out to stop Connor, placing his hand over Connor’s. Connor stops and looks into Evan’s eyes. He looks lost. There’s sadness in his eyes that Evan recognizes and, even though he knows the answer, he asks the question again. “Was I wrong, Connor?”

Connor shakes his head and whispers, “No.” His eyes are red, like he might cry and he looks away from Evan. Evan’s still got his hand on Connor’s. He moves it from on top to under, holding Connor’s hand and squeezing. Connor looks down at their hands and he doesn’t let go.

“I won’t tell you it’s okay – I know that it’s not. But it does get better –”

“Get that from a PSA, did you?”

“Connor, I’m serious.”

Connor looks back at Evan, there are still tears in his eyes, and he says, “I know.”

“You can talk to me.”

“I never told anyone," he blurts out and then continues, "I’ve tried to make my parents understand, and I, I went to therapy and I thought I was better, I was getting better, but sometimes, I just, I get so angry and frustrated and I don’t even realize how bad it is. Even with therapy, I would still get like that sometimes and the last time, I said some things to my sister. Terrible things and I didn’t mean it, I didn’t, but I said it and she… I think she believed me. She doesn’t trust me anymore. My dad said that therapy wasn’t helping – not if I still did things like that. He stopped paying for it and my mom; she just does whatever Dad says. I wanted to go, but they didn’t care. They don’t care. Sometimes, I feel like nobody does.”

“They’re your parents. They love you.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. They don’t understand me.”

“I know.”

Connor looks down at their joined hands and runs his thumb over the skin of Evan’s hand. “You know, last week, when I came out here, it was the first time in a long time. Since I was a kid, really.”

“Why did you?” Evan asks softly.

Connor chuckles humorlessly. “I had a really good day the day before, if you can believe it. My sister and I went to the skate park together – something I thought would never happen after… anyway, I had a good day. When I went to sleep that night, I just felt, it sounds stupid, but I felt like that was it. I knew I would wake up and my sister would be back to hating me and my parents would still be disappointed in me and I didn’t want that. I couldn’t take it. So, the next morning…  My dad keeps a gun in his safe – ” Connor breaks off, and he’s crying again, still looking down at their hands. “I couldn’t get it open, he changed the code, I didn’t know the code –” his breath hiccups and he continues “I gave up and grabbed a razor out of the cabinet, but I couldn’t do it there, I didn’t want to do it there, I had to get out. I stole Mom’s keys out of her bag and, and I started driving, and I ended up here and It was such a nice day. It was a nice day and I was going to do it. So I, I sat down, and I took apart the razor, but I couldn’t do it. I just sat there, for hours, trying to make myself do it. I wanted to, Evan, so bad, but I just couldn’t.

“Then I heard this loud thump, and a yell, and I pocketed the razor and found you on the ground. And I don’t know how, but you knew right away, you understood. Nobody even asked where I was that whole day; my parents just grounded me and gave me another lecture on being responsible. They didn’t know what I was going to do. They wouldn’t have cared.”

“They would’ve cared. I know they would’ve.”

“You can’t know that. I’m telling you, they don’t. Nobody cares.”

“I care.”

Connor looks up at that. “You wouldn’t if you really knew me.”

“I want to.”

Connor scoffs. “You really don’t.”

“I do,” Evan says.

“Why?” Connor questions softly.

“Will you let me?”

“Let you do what?”

“Know you. Really know you.”

“Tell me why.”

“Because I understand,” Evan says, squeezing their hands together, then he lets go of Connor’s hand. He leans forward, slowly enough to show his intentions, and wraps his arms around Connor’s shoulders. He’s careful enough for them to keep their balance. “Because I know what it’s like.”

Connor’s slow to respond, but eventually he does. He wraps his arms around Evan and tucks his face down in the crook of Evan’s neck. “Okay,” he says softly, his cool breath causes goosebumps to erupt on Evan’s skin – the relief of the words causes Evan to smile into the hug.

“Okay,” Evan breathes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is discussion of suicide in this chapter! It isnt extremely detailed, but If that topic upsets you I wanted to be sure you knew! Connor talks about a sucide attempt and mentions using a gun or razor to carry it out. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the comments and kudos! I've said this before, but this fic is just so fun to write. I'm so sorry for how long it's been - finals were rough on me! I hadn't even been able to write until this weekend! With the holidays coming up, I can't promise when the next update will be, but hopefully it won't be as long as this past one. 
> 
> Your comments give me life! As always, thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter Four

Evan wakes up the next morning to the blaring of his alarm clock. He slaps his hand against it to make it shut up with a smile on his face. He can’t remember the last he woke up smiling. He knows it is because of Connor.  Evan’s really getting somewhere with him, he can feel it.

Evan has nowhere to be, but he set his alarm for eight anyway. The thought of sleeping the day away was not necessarily appealing to him now that he felt like he was making progress in his mission of, well, saving Connor, or, at least, becoming his friend. Being there for him.

He sits up and stretches, then pulls his laptop out from its resting place under his bed. He powers it up and logs into his email. Yesterday, Connor had lent him his car charger in order to see if Evan’s phone would power back on. Unfortunately, it didn’t charge.  In lieu of exchanging phone numbers, Connor suggested exchanging email addresses. Evan didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe at the suggestion. He settled for something in-between. He feels that same emotion as he pulls up his inbox. His inbox is empty, though, and he checks his spam box just to be certain. Evan hopes Connor isn’t too freaked out by their discussion yesterday to cut off contact. He wouldn’t do that right? Evan refreshes his email. Still nothing. It’s still early, though, he’s probably asleep. Yeah, he just hasn’t had the chance.

It isn’t long after he’s exited out of his email that his mom knocks gently on the door and pops her head in when he responds.

“Hey, I thought I heard some movement in here. What are you doing up so early? Got some plans today?” she asks.

Evan shakes his head, thinking of his empty inbox. “Nope, just didn’t feel like sleeping all day.”

“Well, then, that’s great, because I’ve decided today’s the day I make it up to you for missing out Taco Tuesday!” his mom says as she steps into the room fully. She’s not in her scrubs, instead dressed casually in jeans and a tee shirt.

Evan furrows his brown in slight confusion. “I thought you were working today?”

“Nope! I’m all yours today. A coworker switched shifts with me, she’s got something going on Saturday, so I told her I’d take her Saturday morning shift.”

“But you work Friday night. You’re going to pull a double?”

“Honey, have you met me – double shifts are nothing,” she says, grinning.

Evan ignores the part of himself that wonders why, if it was so easy, did she not have someone switch with her on Tuesday when she knew they had plans. He shakes his head, as if to clear those thoughts away. She’s trying.

“Okay, well, what do you have in mind?” Evan asks.

“Well, Taco Thursday doesn’t have as much of a ring to it as Taco Tuesday does, but we can eat tacos all the same, so I feel like it’s still a win. What do you think?”

“Yeah that sounds good to me,” Evan says. “Although, tacos for breakfast are new.”

“Well, thing is, our fridge is almost complete empty, so how about some Mother-Son grocery shopping bonding time!”

“As long as you don’t leave me in the checkout line, again,” Evan’s got a hunch that happened here as well.

“That was one time, Evan,” his mom reasons. Evan frowns. It was traumatic. “But it won’t happen, again, I promise. If I forget something, we’re leaving without it!”

Evan rolls his eyes at his mom’s enthusiasm, but smiles and gets out of bed. “I’ll be ready in 15,” he tells her.

She smiles at him in reply and closes his door so he can get dressed. After he’s dressed and his morning routine is finished, he meets his mom in the living room.  She’s pulling on her shoes and he does the same. His stomach rumbles as he does so and his mom takes notice.

“Hungry?” she asks and continues, “I think Sally’s Diner is having dollar pancakes today.”

His stomach rumbles, again, like it’s in agreement with the suggestion. “Yeah, that would be good.”

His mom grabs the keys off the hook and they head out the door.

 

At the diner, Evan looks over the menu even though he knows he’s just going to get the dollar pancakes like they always get. His mom hasn’t even opened her menu; instead she’s stirring her water with her straw, watching Evan with her chin in her hand. Evan feels like she wants to say something to him, so he dutifully closes his menu and sets it aside and then looks up at her.

“Evan,” she begins and her tone is serious. “What I did the other night, blowing off our plans, that wasn’t right –”

“Mom,” he interrupts. “It’s fine. Really.”

“No, it really isn’t,” she says. “I feel awful about it, especially after what we discussed about…”

“Mom,” he says flatly. “It’s fine. I’m not upset about it.”

“Evan…”

“I think the best way for you to make it up is for us to move on about it. I’m fine, I understand,” he says. He mom releases a sigh that illustrates how much she doesn’t want to stop discussing it, but she acquiesces to Evan’s request anyway. “I know how hard it’s been for you, since Dad.”

The atmosphere between them gets heavier and his mom looks kind of sad, which isn’t what Evan was expecting. Usually, when he brings up his father, his mom gets this bitter twist to her mouth and clenches her teeth down like if she doesn’t some unfortunate opinions about his father will come pouring out. His mom was determined not to influence Evan’s opinion of his father with her own opinion. Evan hadn’t really needed to hear her opinion to have a low opinion of his father, his dad’s actions made it easy. But now, there’s no bitterness to her expression and she fingers the chain of her necklace as she nods.

Evan doesn’t have long to contemplate her behavior before their server comes to ask for their order. Evan’s mom orders for the both of them and the server leaves with a flourish of a pen and a peppy smile.

By the time their food has come, the weird atmosphere that had taken residence between them seems to have passed. They dig into their food and it’s a few minutes until his mom asks, “So, what have you been up to?”

“Um, not much,” he says, debating whether he should talk about Connor. He’s not sure why he wants to keep it a secret. His mom’s looking at him with those hopeful eyes, like she really wants to hear something’s improved with him. So, he decides to tell her. “I’ve been, um, hanging out with a friend of mine.”

“Oh?” she asks. “Which one?”

She asks the question a little _too_ casually. They both know Evan doesn’t have any friends. He narrows his eyes slightly.

“Which one?” he repeats, trying not to sound too affronted.

“I mean, tell me about him. Or, is it a girl? Oh, Evan, have you met a girl?” Her voice takes on a tone towards the end of that sentence, a gossipy, suggestive tone.

“It’s a guy,” Evan clarifies.

“Okay,” his mom takes it in stride. “So, what’s he like? What’ve you both been up to?”

“He’s… a lot like me. We’ve just been hanging out.”

“ _Just been hanging out,”_ his mom repeats in a terrible imitation of his voice.

“Yes. And that sounded nothing like me.”

“Okay, okay,” she eats the last bite of her pancakes. “So what’s his name? How’d you guys meet?”

Evan remembers Sierra telling him about the time she got her first boyfriend and her dad grilled her for two hours about him. He wonders if this is what that felt like. Then, he wonders why he wondered that because he is definitely not in a relationship with Connor.

“Um, his name is Connor,” he starts, debating whether to tell her, then continues, “We go to school together, but we never really talked until he found me in the orchard and drove me to the hospital.”

“Oh,” his mom says and the air between them goes tense. “Well, that is great,” she says sincerely, if not a little stilted. “I’m glad that you have a friend.”

Evan’s saved from a response by their server, this time back with their check. His mom pays in cash and leaves a tip, and then they hop in the car and head to the store.

Evan grabs a basket and his mom pulls out her handwritten grocery list. Evan eyes it, wondering when the last time she handwrote a grocery list was. His mom seems to catch on to his thoughts and says, “Don’t want to forget anything.” Evan feels strangely touched about it.

They move through the aisles and cross off their list as they go. Evan loves crossing things off lists, it’s so satisfying. Just as Evan throws some tortillas into the cart, he gets this weird feeling someone is watching him. He looks around, but they’re alone in the aisle. He tries to shake it off.

They keep going, but that weird feeling of being watched remains with Evan. He glances at everyone they encounter, but it’s mostly elderly couples and they don’t pay him any mind. Then, Evan catches a flash of red hair as they round the cereal aisle and it’s strangely familiar to him. He stops abruptly and his mom turns to him.

“Alright, Honey?” she asks.

He nods, “Yes, I, I, uh, have to use the restroom.”

“Oh, okay,” she says, “I think they’re that way.”

“Uh huh,” Evan says, not really paying attention. He rounds the corner, searching. He almost bumps into an old man carrying a jar of peanut butter and apologizes.

He could’ve sworn he saw…. But no, it’s only him and Old Man Peanut Butter in the aisle. He squeezes his eyes closed and opens them again. He’s totally not losing it. He’s isn’t. He makes his way back to his mom, who seems surprised that he’s back so soon.

“That was fast,” she remarks with raised eyebrows.

“I changed my mind,” Evan tells her. He casts another discreet glance around before he takes the cart from his mom. “I can wait.”

 

At home, he helps his mom unload and put away the groceries. When they finish his mom sighs in something akin to happiness as she looks at the fully stocked fridge. “Beautiful,” she says. “Morning well spent.” Then, she’s yawning. Or she’s fighting one, at least.

“Mom, you should take a nap, or something. You look tired.”

“Oh, I’m fine; besides, this is our day to spend time together.”

“Mom, really, sleep deficits are bad for you.” Evan fakes a yawn, and then says, “I think I need one, too.”

“Okay,” she says, “I guess it’s alright if we both have naps before dinner.” She pats him on the shoulder as she heads to her room. Evan goes to his room, too, but he isn’t really tired. He pulls his laptop out from under his bed again and checks his email. This time there’s a message waiting for him. It’s from Connor.  He clicks on it. The subject line reads _Dear Evan Hansen_. Evan pauses at that, reading the words over again. Too weird, he thinks. He reads the rest of the message.

_Hey. We should hang out again. What are you doing tomorrow?_

Briefer than what he imagined. He types out his own reply.

_Nothing at all. Got something in mind?_

He sends it. Connor sent his message a few hours ago, so Evan doesn’t expect a reply. He kind of wanted one, though. A part of him wishes he didn’t have to wait until tomorrow to see Connor. He wonders how his day went, was it good or bad? Did Connor regret their talk? Well, he did email so that’s a good sign. Right?

Evan sighs and opens another tab. He spends a good thirty minutes browsing Netflix for something to watch before he gives up completely and decides to take a nap. Before he does, though, he checks his email again. Still no response from Connor. He puts away his laptop. He wasn’t tired, but he pulls the covers over himself, anyways. He used to so this a lot, before, when he wanted the day to be over. He’d just go to sleep even when he wasn’t that tired. So, it was easy for him to do exactly that and he was asleep within minutes.

 

Evan’s awoken by the clattering of pots and pans and a muffled curse. His mom’s started dinner. The way the light casts shadows in his room says its late afternoon. A glance at his alarm clock shows he is right. Its display showing it is just after five. He rubs his eyes groggily and gets out his laptop to check his email. There’s a message.

_Nothing much. Wanna meet me at my house?_

Evan smiles at that and sends his reply.

_Sure. What time?_

The reply is instant this time.

_Whenever. I’m home all day._

If Evan had received that reply last summer he probably would’ve spent the whole night freaking out about what time he should get there. Debating morning or afternoon. Or trying to guess when Connor actually would want him to come over. He’s having a moment where he appreciates his own growth. He smiles. He hasn’t had one of those since he woke up here.

_Okay. See you tomorrow_

Connor replies just as quickly as he did before.

_See you then._

“Evan,” his mom calls from the kitchen. “Dinner’s almost ready!” 

Evan closes his laptop and heads into the kitchen. It smells delicious. He tells him mom so.

She smiles at that. “Thank you, Evan,” she says and hands him empty plates and silverware. “Mind setting the table for me?”

Evan does so, moving the stuff that accumulated on the table from its disuse. He pauses at an envelope. It’s a bill, maybe the mortgage, and it has PAST DUE stamped on it. Evan sets it aside, ignoring his own guilt at not helping his mom.

He used to feel like this, too, that’s why he got the job in the park. Well, that, and he loved trees. He wonders if his dad is sending his child support here. Would his mom be mad if he asked? Well, he has a right to know about it, doesn’t he?   

Soon enough their plates are loaded. They dig in and Evan tries to find the best moment to bring it up. He thinks there might not be a best moment and decides to just ask. “Hey, Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Has Dad been paying child support? I was just wondering, if he isn’t then we should involve –”

“Evan, what are you talking about? That’s not funny,” she says and she has a stricken look on her face. Evan’s trying to figure out what he said wrong.

“Sorry, it’s just, I saw the overdue bill on the table and I was just wondering if Dad was still helping us, it’s the least –”

“Evan, your father’s dead. You know this. Why are you saying these things?”

Evan’s mouth falls open in shock. His dad is dead here? His Mom’s hand is clenched around her necklace pendant and when she releases it to take a drink of water, the pendant falls loose. Only, it isn’t a pendant, it’s his Mom’s wedding ring. Evan’s never seen it in person, only photographs. Evan thinks his Mom sold it at some point or maybe just stashed it away somewhere, but she never wore it. The overhead light glints off it and Evan can’t stop staring. He can’t really believe it. He isn’t sure how to feel. He gets vaguely nauseas though, so it’s mostly truthful when he tells his Mom he’s full and asks to be excused. She excuses him and he walks to his room in somewhat of a daze.

How is he supposed to feel?

Evan notices a framed picture of him and his dad on his dresser. How’d he not notice it before? He picks it up. It’s Evan when he was about six. He’s on his Dad’s shoulder, they’re both smiling wide. Evan stares at the photo for a while.

It’s not even technically _his_ dad. His dad is alive. And also wants nothing to do with him. He left them. Evan’s not sure if that’s better or worse. Evan wonders if this version of his Dad would’ve stayed. His eyes water and he sets the picture frame back down.

He paces his floor. Why is he upset? He’s got no reason. He didn’t even know the man. Evan really doesn’t even like him in his own universe. But… this Evan might’ve. Maybe he was a good father here. A good person. And now he’s dead.

Death is so final.

Evan used to love that about it.

Maybe when he gets back to his own universe he’ll call his dad and give him another chance. Maybe he still has it in him to be a better father to Evan.

A thought strikes Evan, then. When he gets back, if he ever somehow manages, Connor won’t be there.

Connor will be dead.  

The thought unsettles him.

He pulls the laptop out from under his bed and opens it with more force than necessary. He’s typing out an email to Connor before he even realizes it.

_What are you doing right now? Can I come over?_

Connor’s reply isn’t too fast, but it comes soon enough.

_Yeah. Gotta be quiet tho, don’t wake my parents._

Evan pulls on his jacket for no reason at all since it’s a warm June night. Habit, he guesses. Connor sends him another email.

_You ok?_

Evan decides not to answer. He closes his door and opens his window. As he goes through it, he spares a thought to hope his mom doesn’t decide to check on him.

Evan hoped the walk to Connor’s would clear his head, but his thoughts have just become more confusing. He’s still feeling weirdly emotional about the news of his dad’s death when he stops in front of the Murphy house.

He wonders how he’s supposed to let Connor know he’s here before he catches movement in Connor’s window and then, sure enough, the front door opens and there’s a hand – Connor’s presumably – waving Evan forward.

Evan follows it and once he’s inside he thinks he can see Connor put his finger to his lips in the dim light. Evan hasn’t even said anything, but he nods anyway and they head up the stairs quietly. Once they get into Connor’s room, he shuts the door and flicks on the light.

Connor’s wearing only his sweatpants and a spaced out expression. His eyes are red. There’s a distinct odor in the air.

“Have you been smoking?”

“Just a little,” Connor says, raising his hand and almost pinching his first finger and thumb together. “Like this much,” he says, like the space between his finger and thumb is an accurate representation of exactly how much he smoked.

Evan finds it hard to believe.

“What’s wrong?” Connor asks, rubbing Evans arm. It’s a sloppy gesture, but it feels kind of nice. “You seem upset.”

“I’m… fine,” Evan says. His situation is a little hard to explain even if he wanted to. “Just in my head too much tonight, I guess.”

“You know… there’s something really good for that,” Connor says grinning. “And I happen to have some more. I’m perfectly willing to share.”

Evan understands what he’s hinting at.

“No pressure, though,” Connor says, smile still present.

Connor is so loose limbed and smiley. Is it really that good? This is really the first time Evan’s had the desire to try it. He still isn’t sure. He isn’t confident enough that he won’t spill the beans – so to speak, so he shakes his head no.

“That’s okay, too,” Connor says. He puts his hand on Evan’s shoulders and squeezes, and then guides him to sit on the bed. Then, he’s just standing there with his hands still on Evan’s shoulders. When Evan look’s up at him, he releases his grip and sits down beside Evan. “So,” he starts, but doesn’t continue.

“Uh, so?”

“So, like, what’re you doing here?” Connor asks.

Evan clenches his jaw. What is he doing here? Is he weird for coming? Does Connor not want him here?  Why did he reply to his message if he didn’t want to see him?

“Whoa,” Connor says and slaps a hand gently on Evan’s jaw. “Don’t look like that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Evan is a hundred percent sure Connor doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for. Honestly, he didn’t even need to apologize. Evan forgives him anyways

Connor smiles at that, his hand still resting on Evan’s jaw, his eyes still kind of glassy. “Are you hungry? I have a stash,” he confesses, finally letting go of Evan to pull out the drawer of his night stand showing him his stash of snacks. He looks proud. It’s almost adorable. Evan doesn’t try hard to fight his smile.

“Thanks for the offer, but I just had some tacos earlier.”

“But it’s not Tuesday?” Connor looks supremely confused at the fact Evan is eating tacos on a Thursday.

“It’s a long story,” Evan says and Connor nods. He looks wistful now.

“I haven’t had tacos in so long. You must eat so many, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wow.”

“Well, actually, I don’t really eat –”

“We should eat some tacos sometime,” Connor says. “You and me.”

“Okay,” Evan agrees easily.

Connor moves to sit next to him again. “Cool.”

“Cool,” Evan replies.

“So, you wanna, like, stay over?” Connor asks.

Evan kind of does. “Will your parents be mad you didn’t ask?”

“Who cares?” Connor says with a giggle. A full blown giggle. Totally not adorable.

“Connor,” he says, trying not to sound chastising.

“They won’t care. They, like, love you, remember?” Connor says, and Evan shrugs in reply.

“Okay, I guess I’ll take the floor and you can have the bed,” Evan says, compromising.

Connor’s confused look is back on his face. “Why would you sleep on the hard floor? Just sleep in the bed.”

“Well, I didn’t want you to have to sleep on the floor –”

“Why would I have to sleep on the floor, honestly Hansen, you’re making no sense. My bed’s a queen, so much room,” he says and pats the bed.

Evan’s face gets hot at the thought of sharing. He isn’t sure why. He supposes it’s because he’s never shared a bed with, well, anyone. Not even Jared.  He really would prefer not to sleep on the floor, though, and there is no chance Connor would. Evan wouldn’t want him to.

Connor lies down fully and pats the other side of the bed again lazily. Evan gets up and moves half way there before he realizes he’s still in his jeans and has his shoes on. He slides out of his shoes and then looks down at his jeans. Would it be weird to sleep in his underwear? Yeah, probably, he decides.

“Hey, Connor, can I borrow something to sleep in?”

Connor waves a lazy hand toward the dresser. “Second drawer,” he mumbles, scooting down further under the blankets.

Evan finds another pair of Connor’s sweatpants and quickly changes into them. He turns out the light and heads back to the bed. Connor’s almost asleep when he gets there, his breaths even. Evan lies on his back and pulls the covers over himself.

Connor pats Evan’s chest lightly and mumbles, “Hope you feel better.”

He seems to fall asleep after he says it, his hand going limp where it rests on Evan’s chest. Evan almost wants to leave it there, but in the end he politely moves it back down to rest on the bed. 

Evan thinks about what Connor said and finds that yeah, surprisingly, he does feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg yall, i fully did not intend to update this until after Christmas, and yet here i am. i literally stayed up till 4 am writing this lololol.


	5. Chapter Five

 

It’s warm when Evan wakes up, almost too warm, but he’s comfortable and he slept well. He comes to slowly. When his eyes flutter open, he realizes why. During the night, Evan has somehow managed to migrate over to Connor’s side of the bed. He also became the human equivalent of static cling, if he way he’s got his arm wrapped around Connor is any indication.

Connor stirs, then, and Evan jerks away like he’s just touched a hot stove. It’s possibly a little too forceful, it’s definitely a little too forceful, illustrated by the fact that he almost loses his balance and wavers slightly on the edge of the bed before he loses it completely and falls, hitting his elbow on the nightstand and smacking his head into the carpeting.

Fresh pain blooms behind Evan’s closed eyes and he groans, trying, simultaneously, to clutch both his head and his elbow. He must have hit his funny bone, if the tingles radiating up and down his arm are any indication.

“Evan,” Comes a groggy voice above him, presumably from the bed. Evan can’t seem to open his eyes to check just yet.

He just groans in response.

There’s a shuffle of movement, Evan can imagine Connor sliding over to his side of the bed to see him on the floor. “What happened to you?” Connor says, slightly more awake.

The pain in his head quiets, and Evan chances opening his eyes. The room is still dim; it must be earlier than he thought. Connor is looking at him from on top of the bed. He’s leaning over the edge of the bed, chin in his hand, looking at Evan in confusion.

Evan shakes out his hand and blows out a breath as the tingling finally goes away. He looks up at Connor, whose hair is sticking up wildly and almost falling into his eyes. He looks ridiculous. Evan busts up laughing. Connor looks even more confused at that reaction. He’s got an almost concerned look on his face when he starts to speak, “Evan, what –”

“Sorry!” Evan gets out between a laugh. He calms down some and continues, “I just, um, fell.”

“Really?” Connor says with a roll of his eyes. “I would have never known.”

Evan decides it’s too much work to get up, so he’s stays down, sprawled out on the floor and stretches. He closes his eyes, it feels good. When he opens his eyes he catches the tail end of Connor’s gaze, before he looks around and disappears further back onto the bed, only to reappear a moment later with his phone in his hand.

“Time is it?” Evan asks.

“Mmmm,” Connor says as he checks. “6:20.”

Evan doesn’t say anything, and neither does Connor. Connor locks the phone and tosses it behind him on the bed and then they’re just staring at each other again. Evan thinks he should probably feel weird or awkward, but he doesn’t. He glances up to the ceiling with a sigh, “I guess I should get home before my mom realizes I’ve been gone, if she hasn’t already.”

“What if she knows and you’re just walking into it.”

Evan really hopes she doesn’t. “Best not to delay the inevitable, then,” he says with finality and starts to lift himself up. Connor reaches out his arm to help and Evan takes it gratefully. He gets to a standing, their hands still together. Connor looks like he’s about to say something so Evan waits, his eyes locked onto Connor’s. In the end, Connor just releases his hand and says, “You’ll still come back later today?”

Evan nods and says, “Yeah, of course.”

Connor nods and then rolls to a more comfortable position on the bed, his hand slung over his eyes. Evan goes to open the bedroom door when Connor says, “Wait, I’ll walk you down.”

When they’re outside the front door, the cool morning air on their skin, they say a quiet goodbye.

Evan is halfway home before he realizes he’s still in Connor’s sweatpants. Oh well, he’s going back anyway.

He approaches his house slowly, even though he knows that the speed at which he enters it will not help his case if his mom knows he’s been out all night. He checks the living room windows, but he can’t see much through the blinds so he just resigns himself to the uncertainty and goes back in through his bedroom window. His room looks the same; he thinks, as he sits and the bed and takes off his shoes. He thinks his mom is home, it’s not quite the time she usually gets up yet, so he relaxes back onto his bed. She probably didn’t notice, and if she did, Evan isn’t going to worry about it unless it becomes a problem.

 

Evan knocks on the heavy door to Connor’s house, later in the day, expecting to see Connor when the door swings open. He is surprised, though, by Zoe standing on the other side.

“Oh, uh, hey,” he says dumbly.

“We’re not interested in what you’re selling,” she says before she starts closing the door.

Evan just looks at her, confused, before he scrambles to stop the door from closing and says, “What? I’m not selling anything, I’m Connor’s friend, we met a few days ago, my name’s –”

“Evan,” she finishes for him, a wry grin spreading onto her face. “Yeah, I know, I’m just messing with you.”

“Oh,” Evan says.

“Come in, Connor’s in his room.”

Evan steps through the doorway, but before he can get too far, Zoe has a hand on his arm, stopping him. Evan turns to her, a perplexed expression on his face.

Zoe’s jovial expression is gone now, replaced by one that exudes seriousness. “Before you see him,” she starts, and then seems to hesitate for a moment, she continues on, “I need to tell you something.”

Evan feels a pang of worry swirl in his stomach. Is it about Connor? Did something happen that he doesn’t know about? He hasn’t been gone that long, what could’ve happened? Maybe it's not about Connor, what if it's about him? What if she knows something about who he is. No, that's ridiculous, even he she knew, no one would ever believe his story. They would think he was crazy. Evan would have, too, if it hadn't happened to him. Maybe, Evan shouldn't have waited so long to come back. No, that's just way too clingy. Evan's not clingy. That's just not who he is. Wow, he thinks, as he looks at Zoe, she looks serious.

Zoe seems to read his thoughts. Evan hopes she's only getting half of what he's thinking. She looks around with thoughtful gaze, almost like she’s searching for something. There’s nobody around, but Zoe gestures to the stairs and says, “Let’s talk in my room.”

Once they’re both in Zoe’s room, she closes the door firmly, and then turns to face Evan. The small sliver of worry that’s brewing in his stomach is growing rapidly. “What is it? Did something happen to Connor?” 

Zoe raises a hand to her mouth like she might bite her nails, then realizes what she’s doing and drops it. “Look,” she starts, “You and Connor are, like, best friends now, right?”

Evan doesn’t really know what to say to that. Best friends? Has Connor said he was his best friend? No, no way would he say that, would he? Are they? 

“Right?” Zoe says bluntly, interrupting his thoughts. “I mean, you’re, like, the only person who hangs out with him.” The words sound harsh, but Zoe’s got this weird tension in her face. Evan can see the worry in her eyes. He knows that she still cares about him; no matter how strained their relationship is at the moment.

Evan nods in response to her question.

She continues on, “Okay, well, um, I don’t know, like, how you two even became friends or what the hell you have in common, but you bring out something in him that I haven’t seen in a long time. Something, something I thought was lost in him. After he hangs out with you, we can actually get through a civil conversation for once, before he turns back into the huge dick that he is. So, I figure I should, um, warn you? I guess. Connor’s having one of his bad days.”

“He had a bad day?”

She nods.

“What happened?” he asked. “Is he okay?”

“Just some fighting with our parents, I don’t know for sure what about. Physically, he’s fine, um, but, I just thought I should let you know I guess.” Zoe finishes softly. The words come out awkwardly. Evan wonders if the fight was about him.

“Thanks,” Evan tells her and before he can stop himself he says, “He cares about you, too.”

At his words, her expression goes closed off. Quietly furious, she opens the door and gestures for Evan to leave. As he walks by her, she says, “You don’t know anything about our relationship, so don’t pretend you do.”

Evan doesn’t deny it, though he knows it’s not true. He just turns to her and says he’s sorry. She doesn’t say anything else in response, just closes the door on him. Evan sighs, he really needs to get better at subtlety if he’s going make anything better.

Evan walks down the hallway until he reaches Connor’s door. Well, Connors _doorway_ , where it looks like the door has been removed from the hinges. In the space where a solid door should be, there is only Connor’s sheet. Evan stares at the little blue butterflies for a moment, perplexed, before he politely knocks on the door frame.

“Go away,” mumbles Connor.

“Um, It’s me,” Evan says. “Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

Evan swipes at the makeshift door, and walks into the room. It’s not-quite dark, all the lights are off, but there’s sunlight breaking through the cracks in the curtains. Connor’s on his bed, lying down on his back, his arms folded on top of him. He would look completely relaxed if Evan couldn’t see his expression. But Evan _can_ see his expression, and, God, it’s awful. His eyes are open, red, and he’s staring vacantly at the ceiling. Evan _hates_ it. He’s seen Connor angry, he’s seen him seething mad, but he’s never seen him like this.

Evan lies down beside Connor on the bed, mimicking his position. They’re both silent for a moment. Evan looks over at Connor’s profile. He hasn’t moved at all, still staring up at the ceiling. The quiet whoosh of the fan is the only sound as Evan reaches his good hand across the bed. It’s kind of awkward with his cast so Evan turns on his side to be more comfortable. He takes one of Connor’s hands in his and smiles to himself when he feels Connor return the gesture, threading their fingers together.

They stay like that for a while, Evan couldn’t guess how long. He looks over at Connor for the duration. Evan’s isn’t sure what to do. He thinks maybe he should say something. What should he say? He’s not even sure what happened. Maybe Connor doesn’t want to talk.

It took Evan a long time to realize that it’s better to talk things out, than to bottle them up inside and wait for the explosion.

Evan keeps his eyes on the side of Connor’s face and gives his hand a small squeeze. “Hi,” he says quietly into the silence. The word barely seems to cross the distance between them, but Evan can tell Connor’s heard him.

Evan doesn’t say anything else, just waits, and hopes that Connor will respond. He doesn’t want to be too pushy. It’s not long before his patience is rewarded and Connor turns his head to the side to look at him.

“Hey,” he responds softly.

“Are you okay?” Evan asks, and, at Connor’s scoff, he mentally grimaces. Yeah, that was a stupid question. “What happened?”

Connor rolls his eyes, but doesn’t face away from Evan. “Just some stupid shit with my parents.”

“Something to do with why they took away your door?” Evan asks.

Connor nods. “They figured out you stayed over, they weren’t too upset about, but then I asked them about therapy, again.”

“They didn’t agree,” Evan concludes.

“I don't understand why they don't believe me. They don't even try to understand. I got… frustrated. Really mad, actually. I slammed my door, and was throwing things. I broke the door handle. I guess, they didn’t think I should have a door if I’m gonna treat it badly, or some shit like that,” Connor blows out a breath and Evan feels relief at him slowly come out of that vacant headspace. “I don’t know, maybe they’re right, and it’s all in my head. Maybe I just destroy things because I’m a bad person. I probably don’t deserve the stupid door, anyway.”

“Everyone deserves their privacy, Connor, and, yeah, it probably is all in your head, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. It – it doesn’t mean you’re not affected by it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Connor says. “Sorry, I’m such a bummer today.”

“What?” Evan says with a gentle smile. “Never.”

Connor chuckles disbelievingly. “Right.”

“Hey,” Evan says seriously. “Everyone has bad days.”

“Bet everyone’s bad days aren’t as bad as mine,” Connor says, lightly.  

“Maybe not,” Evan agrees. “But who cares about everyone else, when it’s just you and me, here?”

Connor groans and smushes his face into the pillow. “God, Hansen, can you be anymore cheesy?” Evan laughs, feeling proud that he’s cheering Connor up, even if it’s unintentional, and even if it’s only a small amount. Connor pulls his face out of the pillow, hair askew, and looks over at Evan again. His gaze is thoughtful. He looks like he’s about to say something, but doesn’t.  

“What?” Evan questions.

“Evan Hansen,” he says, scooting a little closer, “I’m glad I met you.”

Evan flushes red and looks away, simultaneously touched and embarrassed by how that statement makes him feel. He can’t keep his gaze away for long, and returns it to Connor. His eyes are soft. His expression is soft. If he's embarrassed by his honesty, Evan can't tell. There’s a sinking feeling in Evan’s gut that’s telling him that maybe he’s in over his head, because he’s never felt like this before. He’s never had this feeling that seems to travel so freely through his veins, this weird, warm, electrifying feeling, that only seems to magnify when he’s in Connor’s presence.  

Evan’s takes his hand out of Connor’s grasp, drawn to Connor’s wild hair. Evan tries to flatten in down into a reasonable position as he thinks of what to say. His attempt to fix Connor’s hair seem to have made it worse and he gives up, but doesn’t remove his hand from the side of Connor’s face. Evan abruptly realizes their position, how close they are, and how natural it feels. How good it feels to touch Connor’s skin with a soft brush of his thumb.

Does Connor feel the same way?

Evan tries to find the answer in his eyes, but doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be looking for.

“Thank you,” Evan says quietly.

Connor looks confused. “For what?”

“For being my friend,” he doesn’t even cringe at how pathetic it sounds. He fingers twist lightly in Connor’s hair. Connor’s eyes flick down to Evan’s lips to watch him say the next words. “For letting me in.”  

Connor eyes are back on his now. He lifts his hand and rests it against Evan’s cheek. His eyes are filled with intent and Evan’s heart stutters in his chest. Connor leans forward, so his forehead rests against Evan’s. They’re so close, almost sharing breath, and it’s so intimate that Evan can barely breathe in fear of ruining it.

Finally Connor speaks, his voice is a whisper, but Evan can hear it clear as a bell. “Thanks for staying,” he says and he gets closer the gap between them shrinking, but not quite closed. The miniscule space between them is all he can focus on, everything falls away and it's just him and Connor and Evan's foolish desire to close the distance between them. He doesn't know where these feelings came from, maybe they were always there, maybe he just didn't recognize the attraction for what it was, but he can feel it now. He feels it so strongly. He knows they haven't truly know each for a long time, he knows that, but it doesn't matter to him, because underneath everything Evan knows there's a connection there. He doesn't know if Connor feels it like he does, but he hopes he does, because Evan can't resist leaning just a little further until their lips brush together. 

The kiss is soft, at first, tentative, but it makes Evan’s heart race even faster and causes his lips to tingle against Connor’s own. He deepens the kiss, running on nothing but instinct and what feels good. 

When they break apart, Connor pulls Evan closer, and Evan curls into him. Evan’s hand is around Connor’s waist and his face is pressed into the crook of his neck. Evan can hear Connor’s heart beating and it’s weirdly comforting. Their position really shouldn’t be comfortable, with Evan’s casted arm squashed between them and their legs all tangled together, but it is. Evan’s never had touch so intimate, like this, and he closes his eyes, tucking his face further into Connor’s neck. Connor tightens his hold on Evan and Evan does the same. It’s overwhelming, how good this feels. It is terrifying, that it’s coming from Connor, something he would have never imagined. It’s all those things, but, and Evan isn’t sure why, it feels right.

It feels right, so he won’t question it, right now. He won’t think of what this means for him, or think about how it could all end in a second, or think about any ending at all. He doesn't want to think about those things right now, when it feels so good to just exist in this moment. 

It feels right, and so unlike anything he’s ever felt, that he’ll let himself have this, even if just for a little while.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiii, thanks for reading! I hope everyone had a lovely holiday! Sorry, it's been a while since my last update. I hope yall enjoyed this chapter. My boyes are the cheesiest cheese balls lolol. 
> 
> Connor's got ups and downsss my poor son. Also i just want to say that removing a child/teens bedroom door is terrible parenting. You shouldn't strip anyone of the right to their own privacy! /endrant 
> 
> btw i know i said slow burn, but tbh i wanted them to kisssssssss already sooooo.... hahaha love yall. I live for yalls comments! 
> 
> And for everyone whose spring semester is about to start (Like me) GOOD LUCK YALL <3


	6. Chapter Six

 

When Evan finishes the list of things that’s made him happy over the past week, he drops his pencil onto his desk and sits back to look over his writing.

Evan wonders if it’s weird that three-fourths of his list involves Connor. It shouldn’t be, right? Like, they kissed. Mutually. It was definitely mutual. It was a very good, very mutual, kiss. That’s established.

But what does it all mean?

There’s a nagging in the back of his head that continues to remind Evan that, whatever he and Connor may be to each other, it probably isn’t the best course of action.

He thinks he shouldn’t get too attached.

He could wake up back in his old dorm bed and Connor could be… he would be _dead_. Evan feels such revulsion to that thought, that he throws it out of his head and takes a few deep breaths to calm his stomach. 

Evan’s never had anything even remotely close to this with anyone else. Just the memory of their kiss brings a rush down his spine and a thrum of heat to his skin. Evan clears his thoughts. He folds the piece of paper and pockets it and glances at the time. He’s got to leave now in order to catch the bus or he’ll be late to his session.

 

“So, I finished the homework you gave me,” Evan states after they’ve said their greetings and have settled into their respective chairs.

“Have you?” Dr. Andala asks. Her voice is calm, but interested.

Evan fidgets in the plush chair. He pulls the folder paper out of his pocket and waves it lamely. He wonders why she hasn’t asked him what he wrote about. “Don’t you want to know what’s on it?”

“If you’d like to share, then I am happy to listen. But I won’t force you to tell me. The homework was for your own benefit.”

Evan unfolds his list and stares down at the clean lettering. Evan runs his fingertips over the smooth paper, thinking. Does he want to share? His eyes catch on Connor’s name.

  1. _I kissed Connor Murphy_



His stomach flutters and he folds the list back up quickly. For some reason, one he’d rather not think too much about, he’d prefer to keep some memories to himself.

Dr. Andala acknowledges his decision with a brief nod, looking perfectly neutral about it all. She folds her hands together on her lap. “How was your week, Evan?”

“Um, good, uh,” he stutters, thoughts of messy black hair and soft skin flashing in his mind. “It was… very... Interesting,” he finally gets out.

“Interesting?” She questions. “In what way?”

Evan clears his throat. “I had, um, I had some new experiences, I guess you could say.”

“It’s always good to broaden out horizons,” she says.

“Yeah,” Evan agrees quietly. His throat feels dry, so he clears it again. His gaze wanders to the large window.

His horizons are so thoroughly broadened.

 

Evan walks to Connor’s the next day and thinks that he could probably walk the way there with his eyes closed by now. Before Evan even turns off the sidewalk in front of the Murphy house, Connor comes bounding out the front door and down the steps. In one fluid motion, he puts his arms around Evan’s shoulders and spins them so they’re walking back in the direction that Evan was coming from.

“Evan!” Connor says brightly, his tone uncharacteristically chipper. “Let’s go somewhere today.”

Evan shoots Connor a questioning look. He looks normal, but something just doesn’t seem right. “Where do you want to go?” he asks.

“Anywhere but here,” Connor mutters. Another sideways glance shows Connor’s plastered smile is fading slowly. Then Connor seems to shake himself. “Let’s just walk – or actually there’s a park I used to go to when I was a kid. It’s old. I don’t think anyone really uses it since they built the new one a few years ago. Want to go?”

“Okay,” Evan agrees easily, although he still has the feeling like he’s missing something.

The park does look a little decrepit when they get there. The chains on the swings and the corners on the jungle gym are somewhat rusted.

Connor leads them to the rusted swing set and sits down in a swing. Evan does the same. They don’t swing, instead choosing to just drift back and forth, the chains creaking as they do so. Connor turns to Evan, twisting in his swing. “You had therapy today right?” he asks.

“No,” Evan says. “Um, I went on Tuesday.”

“Oh, Yeah,” Connor says . “Right, Taco Tuesday, Therapy Tuesday, same thing.”

“Um, yeah, I guess,” Evan says. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering how it went,” Connor says.

“It was fine, um, good,” he says.

“So, what did you talk about?”

“Just the usual stuff, um , my feelings. What I did in the past week.” At the last statement a blush comes to Evan’s skin.

“Oh?” Connor says, tone curious, but there’s a grin on his face. It’s nice to see it, but Evan still thinks something’s different today. “And what did you say?” he asks.

Evan blushes even harder. “What did I say about the past week?”

“Yeah,” Connor says. “Was it something like ‘just sucked face with my new best fri –” Evan reaches over and yanks the chain on his swing, effectively shutting him up. “So, you didn’t say that, I’m guessing?”

“No,” Evan says with a roll of his eyes. Connor looks away and a thought occurs to Evan. He rushes to continue. “But, like, not because I am, like, ashamed of you or anything. Nothing like that. I, I just, I didn’t really feel like telling her, I don’t know why. But, I know it’s not because I –”

“Bambi,” Connor drags out in a slightly exasperated voice. “It’s okay. Really.”

“I mean it,” Evan insists.

Connor gets up from his swing and crosses over to Evans. He places each of his hands over Evan’s where they’re clenched around the chain.

“I never doubted you,” Connor says simply and leans in to give Evan a peck. When Connor leans back, Evan follows him and gives him another small kiss. They both smile small smiles.

Evan wiggles his hands from out from under Connor’s and hooks them around Connor’s neck, then uses that as leverage to lift himself out of the swing. They’re close now, both standing up. Evan looks into Connor’s eyes and asks the question that’s been lingering in the back of his mind. “So, are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” he asks softly.

Connor’s eyes shutter and he leans away, a frown pulling his lips down. He looks away.  “Why do you think anything’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s great,” he says, sounding strained.

“Connor,” Evan says softly, sincerity coating his tone. Connor’s eyebrows pinch together and he looks down at their feet. Evan cups his cheek, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “Hey,” he says. “What is it?”

Connor jerks a step back, breaking their contact, and runs a hand through his hair. “Nothing!” he says, then crosses his arms. “Like I just said, I’m fine, Evan.”

Evan looks at him with concern in his eyes, but before he can get any words out, Connor scoffs and walks away. Evan ignores the hurtful feeling he gets at watching Connor walk away so easily and moves to follow him. Obviously something’s not right. “Please, stop,” Evan says. Surprisingly, Connor listens. He comes to a stop, his back still facing Evan. His shoulders look tense. Evan comes to a stop behind Connor, he reaches a hand out hesitantly, but isn’t sure if Connor wants to be touched right now, so he draws it back. “Did something happen?”

There’s a long silence, both of them standing still. “Yeah,” Connor answers finally. He turns around. His eyes are guarded and his arms are crossed. “You happened.”

“What?” Evan says, confused. The hurt feeling he had before multiplying.

“You happened, Evan. You showed me how good it all could be,” he says fiercely. Evan’s confusion grows. There’s an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. “But I should’ve known that it wasn’t something I got to keep. I should’ve known that I don’t deser –”

“Connor,” Evan interrupts urgently. “I don’t understand. Why do you think that? What do you mean?” The way he’s talking is familiar to Evan in a way that frightens him.

“It’s less than a week until the start of July,” Connor says conversationally. “Did you know?” Evan doesn’t know what that has to do with anything. Although, he hadn’t realized it’d been that long. That means he’s been here for almost a month. “We’ve got less than a week left together,” Connor says.

Evan’s heart drops into his stomach. “Connor, you’re not – ” he starts.

Connor cuts him off with a stilted laugh. “It’s not what you’re thinking,” he says.

“Then, what?”

“My parents are sending me away,” he says quietly. “The first of July.”

“What – _why_?” Evan asks. Confusion and disbelief colors his tone.

Anger flares in Connor’s eyes at the question. “How should I know, Evan? Why? I don’t fucking know, okay. They just hate me.” Evan shakes his head, a protest on lips. He can’t believe it. Connor preemptively cuts him off. “They’re sending me away, Evan! They’ve finally had enough.” Evan’s surprised to see tears swell in Connor’s eyes. “I didn’t even do anything! I didn’t think I did anything.” The last part he mutters quietly and so dejectedly that it makes Evan’s heart hurt.

They’re sending him away? Where? When? Evan’s mind is whirling. He feels nauseous. “What?” he says, stupidly.

“My fucking parents!” Connor laughed, and he sounded almost disbelieving. “They – They’re sending me to – to some, some fucking military camp!”

“Military camp?”

Connor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rumpled looking pamphlet. “Here,” he shoves the pamphlet at Evan. “It’s some kind of boot camp.”

Evan straightens out the pamphlet. On the cover is a group of boys their age running in a single-file line. The words on the cover read **_BOOT CAMP FOR TROUBLED TEENS_** in large block lettering. Underneath are the words **_TOUGH LOVE IS THE ANSWER._** Evan feels a flurry of anger unlike anything he’s felt before. How could they just discard Connor like he’s nothing? Why won’t they try harder to understand? Evan crumples up the pamphlet again before he even realizes he’s done it.

Evan reaches out to Connor, wanting to console him, but something in Connor’s face twists and he turns, his chest heaving. He lets out an animal like shout of frustration. Evan can’t blame him. He feels like screaming right now, too. Then, his attention snaps when he hears a loud noise. Connor’s facing the jungle gym now, one hand wrapped tight around a section, the other raised in a fist.

Connor hits the metal pole again. It rings out loudly. He hits it hard enough that Evan can see his knuckles redden and split.

“Connor!” Evan protests. He shoots forward and attempts to get him to stop. Connor ignores him.

 Connor continues his rant, shouting loudly and angrily, each word accented by the pang of his fist on the pole. “They –” _hit_ “don’t –” _hit_ “care” _hit_ “about” _hit_ “me!” At the last word, Connor drops to his knees, his chest still heaving, shoulders drawing inward. With no hesitation, Evan gets to his knees next to him and, without saying anything, pulls Connor into a fierce hug. Evan tries to convey just how much he cares about Connor into their hug.

Immediately, Connor responds. With a strangled noise, he wraps his arms tightly around Evan. Connor lets out a sob, one that sounds like he was fighting to keep in. After the first one, more sobs come out. Evan just holds on, not knowing what to say but wishing he did.

 

The Murphy’s living room feels larger than usual, large and cold. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy sit patiently waiting on the luxurious looking leather couch. Mr. Murphy has his arms crossed, while Mrs. Murphy has her hands folded neatly on her lap. They’re both looking at Evan expectantly. Nervously, Evan glances to Connor, who has a blank expression on his face as he stares at the ground.

“Well,” Mr. Murphy says. “What is it you needed to talk to us about?” The gruff tone is unfamiliar to Evan, who got used to the easy tone that Mr. Murphy has used with him in his universe. It was hard for Evan to reconcile with the fact that Mr. Murphy would treat Connor this way. Evan supposes he doesn’t really know what their relationship was like when Connor was alive. Maybe this was how it always was.

“Mr. and Mrs. Murphy,” he starts, trying to find the words he needs to convince them not to go through with this. “Please, you might think that sending Connor away is a good thing but –”

“Ah,” Mr. Murphy interrupts. “So that’s what this is all about.”

“Larry,” Mrs. Murphy chastises.

“What?” Mr. Murphy says. He turns to look Evan in the eye again. “Look, I know you and my son have become friends lately, but don’t presume that you know what’s best for him better than we do. We’ve known him a whole lot longer.”

“But this _isn’t_ what’s best for him!” Evan insists loudly. “This isn’t. It won’t help.”

“Now, how can you say that for sure, honey?” Mrs. Murphy says. “In the pamphlet, it said they had a 90 percent success rate. 90 percent! And the man I talked to on the phone even said that the campers become lifelong friends and they learn respect.” At the last statement, Mrs. Murphy flicks a quick glance over at her son, who is still staring at the floor.

“Well, I – they would say that, of course, I – I mean, they want you to send him. This camp must cost money.”

“Yes,” Mrs. Murphy agrees. “But we also think it’ll be good for him. Our son needs specialized attention to get better. He just doesn’t listen to us, he won’t listen, and we’ve been debating sending him to one of these camps for a while. The money is nothing in return for Connor’s wellbeing, right honey?” She directs the last question to Larry.

Mr. Murphy nods in agreement. “Yes, that’s right. And at least with this, we’ll actually get some results. We won’t be wasting away our money with that talking about feelings nonsense. Two weeks of military discipline will teach Connor how to have some respect and appreciate everything we do for him.”  

There’s a sure look on Mr. Murphy’s face. Evan’s heart sinks to the pit of his stomach.

“Military discipline?” comes a new voice. Zoe walks into the living room, a confused expression on her face as she takes in the scene. “What’s got everyone looking like someone died?”

“You don’t know?” Evan says.

“Know what?” Zoe says.

“That Connor’s going to camp next week.” Connor’s dad says definitely.

“Yes,” Connor’s mom agrees. “Isn’t it nice? Oh, I didn’t realize it was getting so late. I should get dinner started, Larry there’s a leaking faucet in our bathroom that’s calling your name, and Evan it was nice to talk to you, please feel free to stay for dinner, okay?”

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy leave Evan, Connor, and Zoe in the living room. There’s an awkward silence.

“Okay,” Zoe says, turning to the both of them. “What the hell is going on?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor finally speaks up, sounding vicious. “You’ll be happy and I’ll be gone. It’s what you’ve always wanted.”

“They’re sending you to camp, a camp that has military discipline?” Zoe says, sounding pitying. Connor scowls at her.

“Yes,” Evan answers. “It’s some kind of boot camp.” Evan pulls the crumpled pamphlet out of his pocket and hands it to her for her to look over. “They think it’ll be, um, good for him, I guess.”

Zoe frowns as she reads it. She looks up at Evan with an uncertain expression as she hands him back the pamphlet. Evan pockets it again. “I don’t even like Connor and I know this isn’t right for him.”

Connor scoffs. Zoe flips him off.

“Maybe, try to convince your parents of that.” Evan says.

“Fine, I’ll try. Not because I care or anything. I just know that it’s probably only going to make things worse and I’d rather not lose _my_ bedroom door in a fit of rage.” She says as she leaves.

“Connor,” Evan says quietly to get his attention. Connor looks at him and it’s so brutal and dejected that Evan feels pained just looking at him. Connor’s watching him now, and Evan wants to say something that will make him feel better, but he can’t think of anything. “I’m sorry,” he says eventually, and it’s sincere, and it’s not enough. It’s not enough by a long shot, but Connor looks like he appreciates it anyway. Evan knows that if it was him, he wouldn’t want to be in the same house as his parents right now. Not if they had just insisted on sending him away. So he offers to let Connor sleep over at his house. Connor looks grateful when he accepts. “Let’s stay for dinner, though.” Evan says, knowing his mom hadn’t made dinner or bought groceries.

“Why?” Connor asks sullenly. Evan thinks that Connor might actually prefer to go hungry than to stay for dinner. Evan’s tempted to let him, but knows that he’ll only feel worse.

“Maybe they’ll change their minds?” Evan says. Connor just looks at him with the most deadpan, disbelieving look, Evan has ever seen. “Please, just stay for dinner, and then we can go to my house and stop thinking about all this.”

“Fine,” Connor says.

 

Dinner is awkward. Immensely more awkward than the conversation they had in the living room.

Evan can see that Zoe’s trying to find a way to bring up Connor’s situation. Eventually she just interrupts Mr. and Mrs. Murphy’s small talk. “You shouldn’t send Connor to that camp,” she says bluntly.

Larry lets out a heavy sigh. Mrs. Murphy glances at her husband then turns her attention on Zoe. “It’s for his own good.”

“It’s barbaric.” Zoe says quiet, but fierce.

Mr. Murphy scoffs. “Don’t be dramatic,” he says. “He needs this.”

“Like you know what he needs,” Zoe says. “He’s been better lately; you just don’t pay any attention.”

Mr. Murphy looks hurt at the words, but he hides it quickly. “Watch your tone, young lady. Can we please just have a pleasant dinner together?”

Zoe doesn’t respond, only looks down to her barely touched food. She’s a mirror image of Connor, who’s been pushing his own food around his plate throughout their conversation.

Evan tries a last ditch attempt to get them to change their minds. “Please,” he starts, “this camp, it, it’s got to cost a lot of money. Why not just send him to therapy? He would go. He wants to.”

Mr. Murphy lets out a heavy sigh. “It just doesn’t work on him. We’ve tried it before. This is something that he hasn’t tried; it’ll be good for him.”

 Evan doesn’t know what to say, he can’t think of anything that will convince them that this isn’t the right thing to do. Connor still hasn’t looked up or said anything. The plate of food he’s been pushing around is still full and Evan thinks it was probably a mistake to have dinner here since Connor isn’t even eating any of his. Evan’s appetite is gone too, and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to finish his own dinner.

Evan lays down his fork calmly and asks for the both of them to be excused, which Mrs. Murphy grants. As him and Connor stand, he belatedly realizes he should probably ask if Connor can even come over. So he does.

Mrs. Murphy smiles at him as she says, “Oh, of course! You two boys have fun.”

 _Have fun._ Right. Evan doesn’t know how she even thinks that’s a possibility right now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty, i know! lol
> 
> pleaaaase forgive me for how long it's been since i published a chapter! I love you all so much for reading this!  
> I've just been so busy with school and work and trying to keep up with my mental health.... anyways, now I have the story fully planned out! So that's exciting. 
> 
> Fingers crossed that the next update wait wont be as long as this one. 
> 
> Leave a comment if want, and if nobody has told you today you are beautiful and the world is better with you in it! Love you all!


	7. Chapter Seven

 

The walk to his house is uneventful and Evan’s sort of glad to see that the house is empty when they arrive.

Showing Connor around takes about five minutes and after that they find themselves in Evans room. The atmosphere is somber and Evan finds his mind drifting to thoughts of Connor at that camp.

Evan just knows he’s going to be miserable.

Evan needs to do something to fix this. What can he do? Maybe he’s the one who actually caused this to happen, since he’s pretty sure it hadn’t happened in his timeline. How could he have changed things that much? Maybe it was going to happen all along? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that it is happening.

What can he do?

Evan looks over at Connor, who’s scrolling through his phone. They’re both on Evan’s bed, sitting close. Evan reaches over and grabs Connor’s wrist to get his attention. Connor stops scrolling and looks at him.

“What can I do?” Evan says, eyes searching Connor’s, giving voice to his thoughts. “How can I help?”

“You can’t do anything, Evan. There isn’t anything to be done. We just have to face the fact that my parents hate me and that I’ll be gone for two weeks.” Connor’s voice is somber, resigned.  

“Your parents don’t hate you Connor,” Evan says seriously.

“Evan-”

“I’m serious, they _really_ really love you. They just don’t know the right way to connect to you.” Evan wishes that he could just show Connor how much they were affected, how much they cared. But he can’t, and he knows that.

“Evan,” Connor says with a frown, tone bitter. “Please, can we not talk about this?”

 “Fine,” Evan agrees, relenting reluctantly, but he finds that it’s worth it to see Connor’s expression lighten.

“Thanks,” he says, and then continues with a sly smile “Besides, I know something that’ll cheer me up.”

Evan thinks he knows what that something is. “Oh yeah,” he says anyway, fighting the blush that’s forming. “What is it?”

Connor doesn’t answer, just trails a hand along Evan’s cheek, and down his jaw, settling against Evan’s neck. Evan blushes harder. Connor’s eyes meet his own with fire burning beneath them.

“You – you know, we, um, we kissed,” Evan stutters out.

Connor lets out a laugh and says, “Yeah, Bambi, I remember,” his hand still warm and soft against Evan’s neck.

“Well, um,” Evan says, face red, “Well, what did that – what does it mean?”

“What do you mean?” Connor asks with a confused expression.

“Well, are we, like, together now? Or is this like – like, what is this to you?”

Connor watches his hand trace against Evan’s neck for a moment, eyebrows pulled slightly together in thought. Evan has a moment to panic, why did he ask that? He’s a complete idiot. Who asks something like that – of course it’s not serious, he thinks, why would he – why did – “What do you want this to be?” Connor says finally, breaking Evan’s inner panic, flicking his eyes up to look into Evan’s.

“I care about you,” he says softly, whispering even though there’s nobody to overhear them. Evan works to quiet his thoughts.

The corner of Connor’s lips pull up into a small smile. “I care about you too,” Connor says, glancing to Evan’s lips then back up again. 

Evan smiles at that and leans closer, they’re so close now, breathing the same air. Evan glances at Connors lips, and then looks back into his eyes. “I’m glad we’re on the same page, then,” he says and leans forward to seal their mouths together. They both fall from their sitting positions, to lie down on the bed, not breaking the kiss.

Evan’s heart is racing and he can’t stop it, he doesn’t want to stop it, even though he’s sure Connor can feel the quick thrum of Evan’s pulse from where his hand is placed against Evan’s neck. He doesn’t even care, he wants Connor to know how affected he is by his touch, to feel it like it’s something tangible.

Evan lifts his hand from the bed and trails it against Connor’s side, and Connor kisses harder, presses closer against Evan, and Evan takes that as encouragement to slide his hand under Connor’s shirt and brush his fingers against the soft skin of Connor’s side. Connor hums lightly at the contact and trails his tongue against the opening of Evan’s mouth.

Evan opens his mouth without hesitation, letting Connor in. He explores Connors mouth with his tongue as the kiss begins to deepen. His body flushes with heat, and Evan feels like he might be starting to sweat, even though he knows for a fact the air conditioning is on full blast.

Connor trails his hand down Evans neck, pressing briefly against Evan’s chest before placing it on Evan’s hip, pulling him closer without breaking the kiss. Evan squeezes his hand where it’s resting on Connor’s waist. He slides his hand across Connor’s warm skin, travelling lower.

Connor breaks their kiss abruptly, and Evan spares a moment to worry, before he takes in Connor’s expression. He’s got a mischievous look in his eyes, and the corner of his mouth seems to rise on its own.  Connor moves them suddenly, wrapping both arms around Evan as he moves their position. Evan lets out a small laugh, even as he’s rolled onto his back on the mattress and Connor lands on top of him. Connor settles more firmly, legs braced around Evan’s hips.

The position causes Evan to squirm a little, heat traveling through his stomach, settling near his groin. Evan can’t ignore the weight of Connor on him, can’t get the thought that if Connor just scooted back only centimeters, he would be sitting right on Evan’s groin. Evan flushes with how affected his is by this, feeling embarrassed, he looks away from the dark, but pleased gaze Connor’s currently sending his way.

Connor’s hand finds its way to Evan’s neck in a light caress. His touch it feather light as he drags his thumb across Evan’s clavicle. When he notices Evan’s still looking away, he brings his hand to Evan’s jaw, gently grabbing his attention.  When Evan finally looks back at him, Connor says, “You alright?”

The simple question has Evan smiling through his nerves and slight embarrassment. Evan nods, because, yeah, it was extremely nerve-wracking, but it was also exciting, and Evan wasn’t uncomfortable at all. In fact, he was actually touched that Connor was checking in on him, so he nods. “Yes, of course,” he tells him, voice quiet and slightly shaky, but still confident in his answer, in how he feels, “Are you?”

Connor laughs, “An hour ago, if you asked me, I would’ve said no,” he says, “But this?” he gestures to the both of them, their position, and shakes his head as he lets out another laugh, one that sounds almost disbelieving, “This might be most alright I’ve been in a while.”

Evan’s voice catches in his throat, unsure of what to say to that, but he doesn’t have time to formulate his response, as he hears the living room door close, and his moms voice as she calls him name.

Evan panics and twists under Connor, trying to get some space between them, causing Connor to lose his balance and fall off the bed with a crash as he knocks down the lamp on Evan’s nightstand. Connor lets out a grunt as he hits the ground and Evan panics more, and he tries to roll quickly off the bed to check on him, but his foot gets caught in the loose blanket, tripping him. Evan falls, and even as he sees Connor below him, clutching his elbow, he can’t do anything to stop his fall. Evan lands on Connor and they both let out a groan as Evan knocks the breath out of Connor and their heads smack together with a loud sound.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry, I – I just,” he stutters out against a groan as he clenches his eyes shut and brings his hand up to his forehead. Fuck, that really hurt, Evan thinks.

Connor just groans in response.

A noise from the doorway causes Evan to open his eyes. “Oh, um, hello boys,” his mother says, leaning against the doorway, a surprised but humoring look on her face. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

It’s then that Evan realizes that their position is almost the exact same as they were on the bed, except it’s Evan that sitting on Connor and now they’re both in pain.

Smooth, Evan.

“Mom!” Evan says, voice squeaky with embarrassment as he rolls off of Connor, still rubbing his throbbing head. “It’s, um, it isn’t what it looks like?” he says as he sits up.

“Mmhmm,” his mom says lightly. “I’m sure it isn’t. Evan, you didn’t tell me your friend was spending the night.”

“Oh, um, well, well actually, things just happened so suddenly today, I just didn’t get a chance to tell you, but, well, this is my friend, Connor,” Evan gestures to Connor, who’s still in the same position on the ground, but with both arms over his head, covering his face, and probably pretending not to exist. Evan grabs Connor’s wrist and pulls him into a sitting position, too, and without his arms covering his face, Evan can see that he’s blushing, hair sticking out crazy, cheeks flushed red, as he keeps his eyes down.

Evan almost laughs at how cute he looks.

“Ohhhhh,” his mom says in a knowing voice, “ _Connor_ , well, I should’ve guessed.”

Connor finally looks up at the tone in her voice. His mom smiles kindly at him as he looks between them and processes what she’s just said. His eyes seem to sparkle as he internally figures it out. “You talked about me?”

Evan flushes again, and fidgets, folding the hem of his shirt between his fingers. “Well, yeah,” he says, “Of course.”

“Of course,” Connor says, so quietly that Evan isn’t sure it was meant for him. Connor shakes his head and looks away again.

“Ahh, young love, so unique and fragile,” his mom says. Evan chokes on his spit and coughs, then looks at his mom with his best _please stop talking if you love me_ face. “Oh!” she says, and then winks at Evan with a nod. Connor’s gaze is firmly planted on the ground so he doesn’t see. “I mean, young friendship, it’s just so-”

“Mom!” Evan pleads, “Stop!”

She raises her hands in the doorway, “Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” she says, and then turns he eyes to Connor, ”Connor?” she says and he looks up at her, “You’re welcome to stay, okay? It’s really no problem. And Evan,” she looks at him, “I need to speak with you after I change out of these clothes, alright?”

Evan nods, “Okay, Mom.”

“Okay,” she says, “It’s nice to meet you, Connor, really so nice. I’m glad that Evan’s found a … friend. Evan, give me ten minutes, okay?”

“ _Yes, Mom,”_ he says. “See you in ten minutes, _bye_ ,” he says.

“Okay, okay, geez,” she says as she walks out, “I’m going.”

They sit in silence when she’s leaves, but it isn’t tense or uncomfortable, just quiet. Evan is still for a minute, before he can’t help but let out a laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, and once he starts, he can’t seem to stop.

Connor looks at him like he’s grown two heads, but doesn’t fight his own smile. “What?” Connor says, and that only makes Evan laugh harder, “What?” Connor asks, again.

“It’ – It’s not even funny, it’s not funny,” Evan says through his laughter, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself. “I just, I just panicked for, like, - and then my mom came in and saw us, and we were in the same, it’s just, I –” he cuts himself off with another laugh and flops onto his back on the soft carpet.

Connor cracks up at him, completely losing it. He shakes his head with his laughter. “God, Hansen, you are so –”

“Amazing?” Evan says through his own laughs.

“Annoying, I was gonna say.”

Evan gasps in mock hurt as he sits up quickly and slaps Connor’s bicep. “I think you meant wonderful, actually.”

“Hmmm,” Connor pretends to think about it, then says, “Actually, thinking back on it, I think I meant _weird.”_

Evan gasps again and hits his arm in the same spot, then pulls it, unsure of what he’s actually trying to accomplish with the movement, but when he falls back to the carpet and Connor hovers above him, he finds that this is … just fine. He smiles up at Connor shyly and Connor smiles back.

He just looks so, so _young_ and the sadness that’d been weighing on Connor this whole say seems to have vanished from his expression. Evan knows it won’t stay that way, but he wishes it would.  Evan feels this strange surge of protectiveness roll through him. Although, Evan isn’t sure he’d be able to protect Connor from life.

That's not going to stop him from trying, though.

 

 

His mom’s waiting for him on the couch when he goes to see her ten minutes later.

“Hi, Sweetie,” she says as he sits down next to her.

“Hi, Mom,” he says.

“So, that’s Connor? He seems nice. You two are very comfortable around each other.”

“Mom –”

“You know, I’m one hundred percent supportive of you, no matter what, okay? And you can always talk to me about _anything_ , Trust me, Evan, I’ll understand. In fact, when I was in college –”

“Mom!” Evan exclaims with wide eyes.

“Well, what I mean is that you don’t have to worry,” she gives him a meaningful look as she grabs his hand, squeezing tightly. “I’ll always love you.”

Okay, that was sweet. Evan's touched.

“Um, th – thanks, Mom,” he says. Maybe, he should tell her … he wasn’t planning on it, not right now, not in this timeline – after all, it wasn’t really his universe, and who was he to speak for the other Evan, but … Evan doesn’t think they would differ _that_ much. Maybe he should. He will. “Connor’s, we, um, well, I,” he stops with a frustrated sound; he wishes he had time to plan this out better. “I, um, like Connor, a lot. And he kind of likes me, too? And he’s a boy…” Evan thinks that’s about as good as he’s going to get that explanation, but his mom seems to get it.

“Evan, I will always love you, no matter who you love, okay?” she says and he tears up, wishing he would’ve done this in his timeline. He’s surprised at how freeing it is, like a burden that he hadn’t even known he was carrying was suddenly relieved from him.

“I love you,” Evan says and hugs his mom. And he does, he really does, and even if this isn’t technically the mom he grew up with, she’s still his mom and he still loves her. Knows how much she loves him, even if she can’t always be there, she always tries. She pays for his therapy, even if she has to work extra to afford it, she still does it without complaint.

“I love you, too, Evan, so much.”

When they pull out of the hug, they both wipe their eyes. Evan’s mom smiles at him and says, “I really am happy you’ve found someone. Although, I do wish you told me he was spending the night,” she says.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Connor and his parents got into a fight.”

“A fight? Over what?”

“They – they think that it’s for the best that they send him to this boot camp, to, straighten him out, I guess. But, really, all he wants is to go to therapy and they just don’t believe he’ll go, they don’t think it’ll work, that it will help him and they just won’t listen, and, Mom, I know this camp isn’t a good idea – not for him, he won’t do good with the authority figures, but they won’t listen to me, and they won’t believe Connor, and they think that this, that this is what’s best for him and they’re sending him away next week,” Evan finishes in a rush, words coming out faster with his anxiety about the situation.

His mom’s eyes are sad when she says, “A boot camp? I’m sure that the last thing he needs.”

“It is! The last thing. Actually, it isn’t a thing he needs at all and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“I just wish they’d listen to him, I wish he didn’t have to go. At least, I wish he wasn’t alone when he went…” Evan trails off, the barest hint of an idea forming in his mind. He looks away in thought. Would it be too crazy, too impossible? “It would be better for him if someone that he trusted was with him… if he had a friend there…” Evan said to himself in thought.

“Evan,” his mom says, “What are you thinking?”

Evan looks up at his mom. “I should go,” he says quietly in realization. “I should go with him! Then I could help and he wouldn’t be alone and miserable!”

“Evan,” his mom says reasonably. “Think about what you’re saying here.”

“I _am_ ,” he says passionately, “I _really_ am. This is how I can help him!”

“Honey,” his mom says through a pained smile. “I know you really want to help him –”

 “Mom,” Evan says, “I know this seems weird, and I know the camp cost money and I know it just seems so impossible, I know, it’s just, I…” Evan trails off, trying to get his thoughts to properly convey what he wants them to. His mom has to know how much he wants this. “I can’t let him go to that place alone. I just can’t. If that means that I have to go too, then that is what I will do. But I, I have to try.”

His mom is looking at him with an understanding expression, eyes kind. But Evan can see it, that twinge of sadness, of guilt. The expression she gets when she’s reminded of all she hasn’t been able to give him.

Evan hates that look.

“Please, Mom,” he says, then continues, “I know we, I know that money is tight, if there’s anything saved up for Christmas or my birthday. It doesn’t have to cover all of it. Just something, please.”

“Okay, I’ll see what I can find. I think I’d be hard pressed to convince you out of going, although I’m not sure I like the idea of this camp… But I’ll respect your choice, and I’ll help you as much as I can,” she says softly, then reaches over and squeezes his hand. “You must really care about him, huh?”

Evan blushes and looks down. His heart races for no other reason than his thoughts of Connor, and that causes him to blush more. He smiles softly and looks back at his mom. He nods, just once and looks down again. “Yeah,” he says, “I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's currently 2:30 AM when im posting this and i guess i should be sleeping but when that creative energy hits me i gotta let it out. So here's another chapter for yall. 
> 
> <3


	8. Chapter Eight

Evan counts the money from the envelope his mom gave him, the one labeled _Holiday Fund_.  $223.00. That’s more than he was expecting, honestly.

Then he pulls the crumpled pamphlet out of his pocket and flattens it out against the coffee table, next to where the envelope lays. Once it’s flat enough to read, Evan scans the contents again searching for a price.

Evan finds it. Two weeks – one flat rate of just $2,000.00. _Just_ two thousand dollars. Right. Evan folds the pamphlet back up. He looks over to the envelope. Okay, so he has two hundred dollars. Now, all he needs is... the rest of the two thosand. By next week.

Easy peasy.

On the way back to his room, Evan stashes the envelope in the pantry, because he doesn’t want Connor to see it. He doesn’t think he should tell Connor that he might go, he doesn’t want to tell him and then end up not going if he doesn’t get enough money. Evan thinks that would hurt him much worse than if he does as he’s going to do and not tell him about his farfetched plan and just pray that it all works out.

Then, he’ll tell Connor.

But for now, Evan thinks as he shuts the pantry firmly, for now, he’ll just keep it a secret.

 

Connor’s back on Evan’s bed when he walks in, scrolling through his phone again, Evan wonders what he’s doing, Connor doesn’t seem like the kind of person to scroll through social media.

Connor looks up as Evan enters and Evan asks him. “What are you looking at?”

“Twitter,” Connor says casually.

Okay, so maybe Evan can be wrong about some things.

“You have a Twitter?” he says, trying not to sound as shocked as he feels.

“Don’t sound so shocked, Evan."

"What? I'm not shocked."

"Right, sure," Connor says disbelievingly as he continues to scroll lazily through his twitter. “So, is your mom ready to kick me out yet?” Connor asks offhandedly a moment later, but there’s something in his tone that sounds off. Something that makes Evan think that he might really be worried about it.

“No, of course not,” Evan says as he comes to sit in front of Connor on the bed. “When she said you’re welcome to stay, she meant it.” He hopes Connor can hear the sincerity in his tone.

It seems like he does and Connor breathes out, looking relieved.

He looks around his room, wishing he at least had a TV in here. Or something for them to do. Do people still play board games, should he have those? Or maybe a deck of cards? Why doesn’t he have anything like that?

He should keep Connor entertained, right? That’s what you do when you have someone over. He doesn't even have Netflix, so they can't even watch that. Well, maybe he can ask Connor if he has one, he probably does. Is it rude to ask for that? Evan thinks it might be. Yeah, it seems like it is. On the other hand, Connor doesn't really seem like the type to care... wow Evan is overthinking again. He works to shut down his stream of thought.

He looks over at Connor, who’s gone back to scrolling through his phone. “Sorry,” Evan says awkwardly and Connor looks up, questioning “That it’s kind of boring here.”

Connor rolls his eyes, looking almost fondly at Evan. “Don’t be ridiculous, Hansen. It’s great here.”

“Oh,” Evan says, surprised and feeling pleasant inside for a reason he can’t explain.

“Besides, I’m honestly kind of exhausted. I just want to shower and sleep,” Connor says.

Evan jumps up from the bed. “Right, of course! I’ll get you a towel and the bathroom is –”

“Just down the hall, yes, you showed me when we got here. Evan, relax, just get me a towel,” Connor says as he stands up from the bed, stretching his arms high above his head, a sliver of skin peaks out from under the hem of his shirt and Evan tries and fails not to stare at it, then Connor says, “Also, if you’ve got anything for me to sleep in… I just realized I came here without packing anything.” Evan darts his eyes up and then away when he realizes Connor's saw him staring, judging by the smirk on his face.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure I have something,” Evan says and then clears his throat and leads Connor to the bathroom. “The towels are just in this cabinet here,” Evan says as he point to where they keep their towels. “And I’ll find you some clothes, feel free to use anything in the shower,” he says and makes to leave, but Connor catches his arm and stops him. Evan turns back to look at him with a question in his gaze.

Connor looks like he’s about to say something, but changes his mind, squeezing Evan’s arm and saying, “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem,” Evan says slightly stilted, internally cursing himself for being so weird, and then leaves Connor to it.

Evan gets out pajamas and underwear for Connor to wear after his shower, just some sweatpants and an old T-shirt, and decidedly ignores the pleased feeling he gets when he thinks about Connor wearing his clothes.

He sits on his bed and pulls out his laptop. How in the hell is going to get the money he needs in less than a week?

Evan types in _easy way to make money fast_ and almost groans out loud with the plethora of survey websites he gets. He deletes the sentence and tries to think of something else… anything. The cursor blinks mockingly at him from the search bar.

Evan huffs a frustrated breath and closes the window, opening it again right after. The home page scrolls through news articles on a loop, ones that Evan hadn’t paid much attention to the first time around, but this time something catches his eye.

It’s an article about a woman who was hit by a car in a hit and run. A terrible thing, but that wasn’t what caught Evan’s eye. The tagline to the photo went on to say “… all medical bills were covered through the crowd funding efforts from _kinddollar.com_ , a website geared to crowdfunding people in misfortunate situations…”

Evan’s eyes widen.

Could this be it? Could this be his solution?

His hands shake slightly as his types in the URL, but they settle down as he makes an account. His curser hovers over the _Create a Campaign!_ Button hesitantly before he clicks it decidedly, mind made up. He hopes he can publish before Connor returns from the shower, wanting to get it out there as soon as possible.

Evan knows it’s a long shot. He can even see older campaigns in the scroll along the left side of the page that are not close to reaching their goals.  But to be honest, he doesn’t care. He’s willing to try anything.

It’s a close one, Evan’s hand hitting the submit button only seconds before Connor comes back into the room, towel loosely wrapped around his hips. Connor’s hair is dripping onto his shoulders and down his chest. Evan watches, trance like, as a droplet slides a long way down, almost past Connor’s stomach before he shakes himself out of it. He blushes when he realizes what he was just doing, but he doesn’t think Connor had noticed. He hoped he hadn’t anyway. Connor was busy at the dresser, pulling down the stacked clothes Evan had set out earlier.

Evan brushes past him, his arm moving of its own accord to grip Connor’s bicep. Connor looks over at him questioningly and there’s a moment where they’re just looking at each other, time seeming to stop for just that one moment of eye contact, before Evan breaks away, squeezing his grip tighter before he does so, and saying, “Uh, I’m going to shower, now. I’ll be back soon.”

Evan wasn’t sure exactly how long Connor had spent in the shower, but it must have been a while, as the water was only a touch hotter than lukewarm, sure to decrease in temperature rapidly, if the plumbing here was the same as the shitty old plumbing from his house. Well, the house he really grew up in, that is.

He washes quickly, and finishes before the water turns unbearably cold. His towel is soft and warm against his skin and he wraps it securely around his waist. A glance in the mirror has Evan biting his lip nervously and wondering if maybe he should’ve brought clothes to change into with him. Now, he has to go back into his room, where Connor is, to change.

Why does that make him feel so self-conscious?

Evan shakes his head, like maybe if he’s determined enough his thoughts would shake loose and roll out of his head through his ears. He’s being irrational, he knows, because Connor officially likes him... and is attracted to him. Or, at least, he seems to be. And isn't that something?

But, what if he seems him now and he changes his mind and he stops liking Evan. Then, he’ll leave and Evan will be alone, and he’ll have failed to help and he’ll be stuck and it would be his own fault.

Evan groans and pulls open the door, stepping out into the cool hallway, and marching quickly to his room, like if he walks fast enough, he’ll leave his intrusive thoughts behind. His bedroom door swings shut behind him and his method seems to be working, because all thoughts cease in his head when he catches sight of Connor, lounging lazily on the bed, attention focused on what looked like a game on his phone. Having chosen to forego the shirt Evan left for him, he was dressed only in a pair of Evan’s sweatpants, the same ones he left out for him. Heat began to pool in Evans stomach at the sight and when Connor lifts his head, hair still damp and dripping onto his shoulders, leaving them glistening under the overhead light, Evan realizes he’s been stopped awkwardly in the middle of his room, towel clenched in his hands, still tightly wrapped around him, and staring at Connor.

Evan coughs awkwardly and turns quickly to the dresser, fumbling through it and finding some comfortable clothes to wear to bed. Evan looks back around to Connor, who’s watching him intently, with a curious expression. Evan looks back to the clothes in his hands and wonders briefly what would happen if he just dropped his towel right here. Right in front of Connor, with Connors watchful gaze on him, dragging over his exposed skin. What would he do?

Evan blushes at the thought; feeling embarrassed and … turned on. Oh god, he was getting really, very much, so turned on by just that thought. He makes a jerky retreat through the door, marching almost as quickly back to the bathroom for a very different reason, without saying so much as one word.

He dresses quickly, trying to will the fire under his skin to flame out. He succeeds with some deep breathing and unmentionable thoughts. Connor’s in a vulnerable state tonight, he probably won’t want Evan to all flustered and riled up all over him. Even though he hadn’t seemed to mind earlier.... well, even still, Evan should be a good… boyfriend? Was that what he was?

Evan smiles unconsciously. Then, his face settles into something more determined. Tonight Connor should be held, and told he mattered, and be treated right, and Evan was going to be the one to do it.

Tomorrow Evan can freak out about how exactly he’s going to get enough money in one week to go to a camp that he actually really _doesn’t_ want to go, but also really doesn’t want Connor to go to without him. But that’s for tomorrow, for tonight, it’s cuddle time.

When Evan reenters the room, Connor’s still got that curious expression on his face, but there’s a hint of worry in it. “You alright?” he says, and the hint of concern he hears makes Evan smile.

“Yeah,” he says, turning off the over head light and making his way to the bed, where Connor had already made himself at home under the covers. The light from the newly righted lamp on his nightstand is now the only light source, coating the room in soft yellow light, which makes the room feel cozier than it had with the bright overhead light on. Evan lifts a corner and slides in next to Connor, feeling weirdly comfortable and in routine, even though they’ve only slept in the same bed a few times.

“You were being weird,” Connor says as he shifts to give Evan more room.

Evan stutters out a blustering laugh and tries to morph his face into something like mock outrage and not the slight embarrassment he feels. He’s not quite sure what it does. “I was not being weird! There was absolutely no weirdness from me, you were the weird one, just sitting here staring at me!”

“I wasn’t _staring_ , I was just looking! And I was _looking_ at you, because you were being weird, weirder than usual, that is.”

Evan shoves his shoulder with his own lightly, more a nudge than a proper shove. “ _Watching, staring,_ it’s all the same.”

“Okay, okay,” Connor says, relenting, “you don’t have to tell me.” That makes Evan feel weirdly guilty, but not enough to get him to actually embarrass himself even more by telling Connor what exactly was going through Evan’s mind. Connor must see something in his expression, because his own softens and he says, “hey, I’m serious, don’t tell me if you don’t want to, or tell me whenever you feel like, I don’t care, okay?” he says and then goes back to the game on his phone, fingers tapping easily, like he didn’t just melt Evan’s insides with his thoughtfulness.

Okay, Evan thinks to himself, time to put his cuddle plan into action. He reaches over to Connor and locks his phone again, (is that becoming his go to move now?) which predictably causes Connor to look over at him. Evan smiles sheepishly and says, “Sleep?”

Connor shrugs, leans over to turn off the lamp, and then settles himself firmly against the pillows. Now, the only light in the room is the sliver of light coming in through the gap in the curtain, a mixture of the streetlights and the moonlight.

Evan shifts himself on the bed, moving closer to Connor. Tentatively he reaches his arms across the bed, and softly, he rests his hand against the warmth of Connor’s chest. Connor tenses for a moment and Evan holds his breath, then Connor relaxes and rests his own hand on top of Evan’s. Evan lets out the breath he’d been holding and moves closer, an invisible force pulling him to the other boy.

Connor is warm and his skin is soft. Evan ignores the way his heartbeat speeds as Connor brings his arm around Evan’s back. Evan sighs softly, feeling weirdly content, and lets his breath ghosts across Connor’s skin, where his face is settled in the crook of his neck.

Evan ignores the way his skin tingles where they touch, but wonders if Connor’s feeling the same way. Evan smiles stupidly into Connor’s shoulder, and lets the comforting warmth relax him into sleep.

 

The bed's empty when Evan wakes up, and that makes him feel strangely bereft. Evan frowns groggily and slides his hand against the sheets. They're cool to the touch. Evan’s eyes catch on a series of post-it notes stuck to the front of the pillow Connor had been using.

_Sorry to leave. Zoe texted me to come home. Says she’ll convince our parents to let me stay. Even though she’s being suspiciously nice, I think she really wants to help…_

_I really don’t want to go, so I’m hearing her out. Come over later, I’ll tell you how it goes._

_Thanks for everything. –C_

Evan smiles unconsciously as he reads the notes, plucking them up as he finishes them. Evan hopes things go better than they had yesterday, but he isn’t holding his breath.

He sticks the notes together and sets them down on his night stand, then pulls out the laptop from under his bed. His stomach flutters in anticipation as it boots up. A few clicks later and he’s at the login page to his fundraiser. With nervous fingers, he types in his login information and hits enter.

His breath comes out shaky and disappointed when he sees the progress bar. It read _$5 out of $2000 raised…_

Evan shuts the laptop tightly, unsure of what he should’ve been expecting. He knows that it wasn’t possible to raise it all in one night, but he’d still hoped anyway.

Evan runs a hand through his hair. He’ll just have to do some odd jobs around the neighborhood. Surely, there’s something his neighbors need done that he can earn money from.

There will be something. There has to be.

 

 

 

Evan kicks a rock from the sidewalk moodily and it skitters into the grass. There was nothing. Evan spent the morning going house to house, fighting the wave of anxiety he got in the pit of his stomach as he raised he hand to knock on his neighbors' doors. He can’t quite believe it. Nobody needed a cat sitter or a dog sitter or babysitter or someone to mow their lawn.

He helped Mrs. Jennings, the old lady down the street with the bad back that used to babysit him when he was younger and she was more able, carry in her groceries and then felt so bad taking her offered money for doing something any decent person would do that he turned her down.

How was he going to raise two thousand dollars?

It just seemed impossible.

Connor was waiting on his front steps when Evan approached, sitting on the top step and looking sullen, though his expression lightened a little when he saw Evan.

Evan wondered how Connor knew he was on his way, or if it was only a coincidence that he’s out here on the steps.

“Hey,” Evan greets when he gets closer, coming to a stop in front of Connor. “How’d it go?”

Connor gets up and greets him back, tilting his head towards the door. “I’ll tell you inside.”

They walk together towards the stairs and Evan see’s Connor’s parents sitting together on the couch watching television. The air is awkward and tense as both he and Connor pass, without either of them acknowledging the other.

Evan winces internally, already understanding that there was no progress without having to be told.

Inside Connor’s room, they both sit down on the edge of the bed. Connor lets out a sigh that sounds bone deep and weary. Evan’s heart pulls in his chest and he has another moment where he’s at a loss for what to say to make him feel better.

“Things didn’t go well,” Connor says finally and Evan can only nod, still at a loss for words.

Evan reaches out to take Connor’s hand and squeezes, relishing the small squeeze that Connor sends back his way. “It’s going to be okay,” he says and winces as soon as the words come out. Shit, why did he say that? Evan hated when people said that. _It’ll be okay, It’ll get better_ they were all words that felt meaningless to him, irrelevant to his current problems. Apparently Connor felt the same as he sighs and rips his hand from Evan’s grip and stands up, his arms folding defensively across his chest.

“You can’t possibly kn-” Connor starts, but Evan interrupts, rising to his feet to stand in front of Connor.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I, I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t know why I did,” he says and welcomes the relief he feels when Connor deflates, letting his arms fall to his sides.  

“Yeah, well,” Connor says, averting his eyes to the floor and not finishing the sentence. Evan struggles again for the right thing to say, but doesn’t get the chance.

“You two losers better not be making out in there because I’m coming in,” Zoe voice calls through the sheet over the door way, before she sweeps the sheet aside and strides into the room.

Connor doesn’t seem surprised but Evan sputters at the words, failing to fight an embarrassed blush, even though things in the room were strictly platonic at that moment.

Evan clearly sees the family resemblance when Zoe shoots him a flat look and says, “Calm Down, Hansen,” then he feels Zoe own specific flare to the next sentence,  “if you guys were actually making out, there’s no way I’d walk in. I’d like to not have to bleach my eyeballs from having to see that, no offense.”

“Actually, that feels pretty offensive,” Evan mutters, but isn’t sure if Zoe hears as Connor speaks quickly after him.

“What do you want?” he says roughly and Zoe sends him an annoyed look.

“So rude, brother, and here I thought we were passed that,” she says, raising an eyebrow with a fierce look on her face.

Connor just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever,” but his tone is softer and Evan looks confusedly between them with the feeling like he’s missed something significant.

“ _Whatever,”_ Zoe mocks with a roll of her eyes. Then she gets a serious expression and says, “Listen, I know Mom and Dad are being stubborn about this, but I’ve been looking online and talking to some friends I have on Tumblr and they’ve said-”

“Oh great, now you’re blabbing on about my problems to your imaginary friends,” Connor mutters.

“They’re not imaginary! And they’re willing to help you, so maybe you should be-”

Something clicks in Evan’s brain then, an idea forming quickly. “Zoe! Oh my god,” he says loudly, interrupting their bickering, they both turn to look at him with curious expressions. “I just remembered, that, uh, that…” he tried to think of an excuse to talk to Zoe alone, “That that, uh, thing you told me about earlier, a while ago, you know the thing? Well, I just remembered something about it. So I should tell you, right? We should go, and, the both of us should go into your room, just so, because I don’t want you to be embarrassed, so yeah, we should both go together into your room and Connor can wait here, and we can just talk about that thing real fast and then come back. Just so you won't be embarrassed, um, when we talk about it, alone, together, in the other room. Because it would be embarrassing for you." 

Smooth.

Both Connor and Zoe shoot him incredulous looks. There’s that family resemblance again.

“Hansen, you better not be trying to hook up with my sister while I’m in the next room over.”

Evan squawks unattractively and immediately denies it. “Connor, I would never, well, I mean, I mean you’re sister is very beautiful, and anyone would be lucky-” Connor raises an unimpressed eyebrow “-I mean, there’s no way that I would, I wouldn’t-”

“Yeah, okay, I mean, that was such a secure argument, nobody can refute that,” Connor says sarcastically.

“Connor-”

“Its fine, Evan, go have your weird secret conversation with my sister. I’ll just be here slowly dying inside. Don’t be surprised to find a shell of the Connor you once knew when you return.”

“Connor,” he says again, this time with feeling, and strange sadness curling within him at Connor’s words.

“Oh my god, Evan, I was joking. Calm down, please, and hurry and have your stupid conversation, and then come back, okay?” At this, Evan nods, then Connor directs his gaze at Zoe. “You don’t have to come back.”

Zoe looks to the ceiling for patience. “Why do I even try,” she says and turns on her heel, sweeping out of the room with an annoyed flourish. "Come on, Hansen," Evan hears her say a moment later. 

Evan shoots a sheepish look to Connor and says, “I’ll be right back,” and then follows after Zoe.

In Zoe’s room, with the door firmly closed, Evan relays his idea, telling Zoe about the online fundraiser he made.

“So, I just, you mentioned your Tumblr, and, well, I don’t really have an online presence, but, but you seem to and your friends, they seem like they want to help, so I was only thinking, well, maybe you could share the fundraiser and, I know Connor would still have to go, but this way he wouldn’t be alone, and he’d would have someone who understands him and maybe he’ll be able to get through it okay.”  

“Damn,” she says once he stops talking, her voice sounding almost amazed. “What did my brother do to you for you to like him this much? It’s truly a feat, I’ve never met a more unlikable person.”

“That isn’t true,” Evan says adamantly. Connor’s just misunderstood, he isn’t fundamentally bad.

“Hmmm,” she says, “I’m sure it’s not true _for you.”_ The emphasis on the last part isn’t missed by him.

Evan decides to move past it. “Will you do it?” he asks, not even trying to hide the hopeful urgency in his voice.

She walks over to her bed and opens the laptop sitting on it. “Of course,” she says, as if they’re was really no other option, and then she turns the laptop towards him and waves him over. “Give me the link,” she says, “and I’ll do the rest.”

“You are seriously the best!” Evan exclaims happily, typing the address into the browser, a renewed sense of hope brewing in his chest.

“I know,” Zoe says and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Out of the corner of his eye, Evan sees her let a small, pleased, smile grace her face.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got about 8 assignments due this week so naturally all I worked on today was this chapter... aldfslkdfhalkjd at least my procrastionation can be your.... celebration? 
> 
> wow cheesy....
> 
> anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it ended up being twice as long as my usual chapters, did you notice? 
> 
> As always sorry for the long wait, and I love you all!


End file.
